TARA (costumer): "The Inspector General, AK, 1992." In contrast to You Can’t… most of the Russians in Inspector General were dressed as American cliches. The director, Anatoly Antohin, originally envisioned all the Russians in scruffy pre-Peristrioka underwear. Then as their fantasies of life in an American capitalist world blossomed, cut out figures of famous Westerners would pop out of the sky, embodying each character’s ideal self image. They would then put on the clothes of the cutout, as they ran around spinning their fantasies. The cutouts proved to be beyond the capabilities of our scene designer, but the costumes stayed as planned. The Mayor (far left) dressed as the Millionaire in the Monopoly game, Bob and Dob (bottom) two local rubes, dressed as sports stars, The Mayor’s Wife (far right) dressed as Elisabeth Taylor, and the Russian and American students (center) switched the nationalities of their University T-shirts, just as real students usually do.
A full-lenth play, my free adaption of Gogol's text, a modernization. Staged at University of Alaska in 1992, main stage. The pictures from the show on my Lab Theatre
MISTER K, man from America
JO, his Russian friend and assistant
MAYOR, the mayor of the small Siberian town
ANNA, his wife
MARY, his daughter
SUPER, schools' superintendent
JUDGE, local judge
DIRECTOR, Director of Social Services
EDITOR of local newspaper and councilman
DOB Chinsky & BOB Chinsky, local councilmen and businessmen
CHIEF, police captain
Time: Christmas 199...
Place: small Siberian town "Leninsk" recently renamed back
to "Little Mudhole"
Set: Mayor's office, Room in local hotel, Mayor's house
"Dancing Set" - everything moves, including doors. At some
dramatic moments by themselves. Mayor's office equipment has
life of its own - telephones, fax or printer don't work, except
for the time when you don't need them. Slogans: "Lets Complete
Our Historic Leap to Capitalism before Christmas!" "God Bless
Free Market!" "Army and Police for Democracy!" "Re-elect Mayor,
the Industrial Christianity Party Leader!"
The sky is Russian Paradise, and/or American Dream; bright
advertizing, happy bill boards, gigantic hamburgers, tuxedos,
tacky wedding dresses, big cars and smiles of movie superstars,
canned food - The Americana - suspended in the air an overblown
junk yard, a heavenly garage sale - oh, a sweet dream of every
Russian! On the floor - a blue print of success, ways to
riches, dollar signs - a monopoly game board. The flies bring
"America" down when they, little people on the floor, are
dreaming, and take it away back up to the dream land - up, up,
till everything is out of sight. Even furniture leaves. An
Empty Space. Dumb Scene.
What a strange way we're moving into "global village" -
there's more socialist spirit in Alaska then in Russia, and more
capitalist crusaders in Siberia then in America. Russia finally
entered the American Age and of course became more American than
America itself. So I looked at the Gogol's play as a true
classic and used the story as a myth for a contemporary tale. A
traditional comedy of errors in which an American student
stranded in a small Siberian town on his way to Fairbanks is
mistaken for a big time American investor...
What's wrong with America is more visible in "American
Russia". What's wrong with Russia is more obvious when Russians
try to be true Americans.
ACT 1: NEWS
SCENE 1: Secret Meeting
(MAYOR, SUPER, JUDGE, DIRECTOR are in the room.
Voice on the tape "English for Beginners": "And now lets sing
together! Ready? "Old Mcdonald had a farm..." Mayor sings,
others follow).
MAYOR (Turns off the tape player)
I have invited you all here to tell you -- it's coming.
JUDGE
What?
DIRECTOR
Who?
MAYOR
Money. Greenbacks! But secretly.
ALL
Money!? Secretly? From where?
MAYOR
Let me show you a fax I've received from my friend in
Moscow. (Reads) "An American businessman has arrived to
investigate all of Siberia, and your region in particular.
Although he pretends to be a tourist, he is in fact a
millionaire, planning to invest billions."
ALL
Millionaire!? To us!? To invest!? Incredible!
Unbelievable! Billions?! And to us?!
MAYOR
Now listen closely. Until now, they've only been
approaching big cities. Well, now it's our turn to steal western
aid. Watch out and don't fall on your face. I've made some
arrangements already, and I recommend that you do the same. (To
DIRECTOR) Especially you. The American for sure will want to
check out our health conditions for his investment. Make the
place presentable, so your patients won't be walking like a gang
from the Gulag. Also, write things in English everywhere. Oh,
and it's no good that your patients are smoking in bed and
damaging the environment. In America, there is a campaign
against smoking. In fact, it's better if there are fewer
patients altogether.
DIRECTOR
Oh, we have our methods. The closer to nature, the better--
we don't use fancy medications. Man is a simple animal; if he's
about to die, he'll die, if he's about to get better, he'll get
better, no matter what.
MAYOR (To Judge)
And you should pay attention to your court. The staff is
keeping geese in the courtroom, and the damn birds are constantly
underfoot. Now, it's understandable that, according to the
president's decree, everybody must have a private enterprise,
but, you know, in such a place it's unsuitable.
JUDGE
Alright, by a court order they all will be killed.
Immediately. I mean, the birds.
MAYOR
Besides, you have all that rubbish drying everywhere.
Skins, fish, and on the file cabinet, a machine gun! I know that
you like to hunt, but for now, you'd best hide it. After the
American leaves, you can hang them all up again. Oh, and then
there's your court clerk. He is, of course, a hero and a
veteran, but he smells as if he's just crawled out of a vodka
bottle. There are natural remedies for it, if it really is, as
he claims, his natural odor. Advise him to eat onions or garlic.
JUDGE
Impossible! There is no way of getting rid of it. He says
they dropped him in delivery room, and ever since, he's smelled
of vodka.
MAYOR
Alright, alright. Just order him not to breathe in the
presence of the millionaire. And one last thing. I want you all
to take it easy with the privatization campaign while the
American's here. I mean, stop stealing openly.
JUDGE
But that depends on what you mean. I tell everyone honestly
that I take bribes. But in what manner? Dollars, marks, franks.
That's different. That is collector's items.
MAYOR
A bribe is a bribe!
JUDGE
I disagree, Mayor. For example, let us take the following
case: when someone has a wife, and the wife has a fur---
MAYOR (Interrupting)
That's not the point, the point is that you don't believe in
right democracy and proper God, whereas every Sunday I am in the
church reading newspapers. But you? When you start talking
about reforms, it's hair-raising!
JUDGE
I came to the discovery of the Universal Law of Progress by
myself, using only my own brain.
MAYOR
In some cases, too much brains is worse than no brains at
all. (to SUPER) And you, as the school superintendent, you must
do something about those teachers of yours! I realize they're
intelligentsia of every sort, but they have some strange
behavior. Which I suppose goes along with a teaching profession.
One of them, for instance--I can't recall his name--he can't get
up in front of the class without making a face, and then he
scratches his hairy chest. Okay, if he makes such a face to a
bad student, it may be necessary to the educational process, but
imagine if he does it to our American. Mister Investor might
take it personally.
SUPER
What can I do with him? I've told him a million times. The
other day, when our congressman came to visit the school, he made
a face worse than anything I had ever seen before. He did it out
of his good heart, but I got reprimanded, "Why are reactionary
ideas being implanted in our the youths' heads?"
MAYOR (Interrupting)
Also, I must talk to you about the history teacher. He may
be a Ph.D. candidate, that's obvious, and he's got plenty of
historical facts in his head, but why does he have to explain
everything with such passion? Why, once I heard him--well, when
he was talking about the Czars, it was alright, but when he got
to Stalin, I can't describe what happened to him. He began to
run about crying, and he smashed his chair on the floor like a
madman. Now, I understand that Comrade Stalin was a tyrant, but
why smash the chairs? It's damaging to the democratic property.
SUPER
Yes, he's hot. I've mentioned it to him a billion times,
but he just tells me, "You can do whatever you want, but for the
sake of progress and the human race, I am ready to take my own
life at any time!"
MAYOR
Yes, that's one of the mysterious rules of nature, an
intelligent man is either a drunk or an idiot.
SUPER
Exactly! I hope own my worst enemy never has to serve in
the department of education, sir.
MAYOR (Interrupts)
All right! Comrades! This American is our ticket to a big
time game! We'll milk mister America until he has nothing to
invest anywhere. Now, what is our strategy? Our major task is
to create an image for this city! To show that we are also a
part of Europe, but simply as yet undiscovered by America.
(Phones ring, all panic)
Scene 2: Getting Press Ready
(EDITOR enters, with papers, smoking)
EDITOR
What's going on? What's this about an American coming?
MAYOR
Well? What do you think about it?
EDITOR
What do I think? War is coming!
JUDGE
Just as I thought!
EDITOR
I'm telling you, a war is coming between Siberia and Russia.
MAYOR
What war? I have this fax. (Shows the fax)
EDITOR
Well, in that case, there will be no war.
MAYOR (to EDITOR)
Well, what do you think, Mister "Press"?
EDITOR
Me? I'm a small fish. How do you feel, mayor?
MAYOR
Well, I don't have any fear, as such, but then, you know,
the taxpayers, the business people, the population, they make me
worry. They say that I'm bad. Even if I took and gave, here and
there, it was done without bad feelings. I'm sure there will be
some letters to the editor against me. Listen, couldn't you, for
our common good, if any such letter arrives, just, you know, just
"correct" it a little bit. And then, you can print it in the
paper, or even not print it at all.
EDITOR
No need to tell me, I do it all the time. Not out of
precaution, but simply out of love for the Russian language.
JUDGE
One day, you will get in trouble for such editing.
MAYOR
Yes, yes. It would be a different matter if we were making
personal use of it. But this is for the city's sake, so to
speak. Because of our patriotic intentions! Just imagine, a
millionaire! Billions of dollars! And it could happen any
minute now. Any minute the door could open and--...
(Doors open and move. Voices BS, arguing)
SCENE 3: He is Here!
(BOB and DOB CHINSKY enter
breathless, with dark glasses
and brief cases)
BOB
Amazing incident!
DOB
Heavy news!
ALL
What, what is it?
DOB
We went to the hotel...
BOB (Interrupting)
Me and Dob, we went to the hotel...
DOB (Interrupting)
Shut up Bob, let me tell the story!
BOB
Oh no, let me tell it, let me, you have no style.
DOB
And you will stumble and won't even remember the whole
thing!
BOB
I will, I swear I will! Please, don't interrupt, let me
tell it.
MAYOR
I'm about to have a heart attack! Everybody sit down! Now,
what is it?
BOB
Let me start from the very beginning. As soon as I left you
after your fax--(To DOB) Please don't interrupt--I ran to the
judge, from the judge to the director, from the director to the
editor and at the "Golden Mud" I meet Dob. Yes, and after I meet
Dob I say to him, "Have you heard the news our mayor got from his
reliable sources?" (To DOB) Don't interrupt me! He, Dob, said,
"Let's stop by a hotel, there's an headache in my stomach. Let's
get a couple of wake up drinks," and just then as we walked into
the restaurant and suddenly a young man...
DOB (Interrupting)
With a foreign face, American smile and western eyes...
BOB
With a foreign face, smile, and eyes was walking around the
cafeteria and on his face he had such a look of deliberation, so
to speak. And I said to Dob, "Here is something not of our
make!" Yes! And Dob had already asked the owner, whose wife
gave birth three weeks ago and the little boy is an businessman
already--he will be a crook like his father-- (To DOB) Oh,
please, don't interrupt, don't interrupt me, you have one tooth
that whistles -- "That young man," the owner says, "is a
foreigner from Alaska and behaves very strangely. It's his
second week here and he doesn't pay!" Well then it hit me
suddenly. "Aha," I said to Dob--
DOB (Interrupts)
No Bob, it was me who said, "Aha."
BOB
You said it first then I said it. "Aha," we said together,
"What is he doing here in Mudhole if he is an American? And if
he is from Alaska, how come he has no money? Aha!" Yes sir,
that's him, that's your American.
MAYOR
What? From Alaska? "My American"?
BOB
The one you received your fax about, the billionaire.
MAYOR
No! What are you talking about? It can't be him.
DOB
It's him! He doesn't pay and doesn't leave. What other
kind of foreigner would stay here, and for what reason?
BOB
Him, him! It must be him - the investor. He is so
observant. Examines everything, notices us drinking -- because
of Dob's stomach, he even peered in our glasses. So sharp I
thought I was going to die.
MAYOR
Jesus Christ, in our "Golden Mud"! What room?
BOB/DOB
Under the stairs. The same room where the guys from the air
base got into a big fight last year.
MAYOR
The storage room! Oh! No! Has he been here long?
DOB
Second week already.
MAYOR
What!? Two weeks! In those two weeks we had two labor
strikes, eight anti-government demonstrations, joint communist-
monarchists rally, anarchists' hunger strike, not counting street
fights.
DIRECTOR
Well, Mayor, should we pay him an official grand visit?
JUDGE
Yes! The first to go are the children, the war veterans,
the single mothers...
MAYOR (Interrupting)
No, no. Let me handle it my quiet diplomacy way. Everybody
get busy. (To CHIEF) Get the car! No, wait. Stop! Let me
brush my English. (Turns on the tape. Voice: "And now lets sing
another beautiful song! Are you ready? Music! "Head and
shoulders...")
ACT 2: Hotel "Golden Mud"
Scene I: American Hunger in Russia
(Jo and Mister K, two beds, chairs)
K
Listen...
JO
What?
K
Go there.
JO
Where?
K
Down there, to the cafeteria. Tell them! Tell them to give
me something to eat.
JO
What's the point? They said, no way. Period.
K
How dare they to refuse? I'm on credit!
JO
Exactly! That's why they want to call the police. "You
with your American, they say, are the thieves, and your American
is fake one. He will sit together with you, they said, in our
jail very very soon."
K
They won't give me anything on credit and talk about a
market economy! No transfer money by phone, no credit cards, no
tickets, no planes, no trains, no phones! No nothing! And a
poor American student must go on hungry in studying their rich
Russian language! Communists! I have to eat something! Man
must eat every day, money is another matter! Later, I said. My
father will send me money from Fairbanks. May be he did send it
already and I might receive them at any moment.
JO
"Later" I or you can die. Or both, or all of us. They
could start building communism again or nuke your America.
"Later" is time, not money. Later! You don't know Russia!
K
I love Russia, and you hate all Russian! You hate even your
Russian name!
JO
Because I know them. That's why I don't want to know them.
(Exits)
K
Food! They must! I'll go to the mayor! To the police!..
JO (returns)
There are some people outside asking about you. Mayor and
other officials...
K
About me? No, they have no right! I am an American! I
will not go to jail! Tell them...
JO
No, thank you much, buddy. I am out of sight. Sorry and
goodbye. (Exits)
K (after JO)
Jo! George! Joseph!
(Door moves. Beds move. K runs around, packing)
Scene 2: Two Wrongs
(K runs into MAYOR and DOB who enter, long pause)
MAYOR
How do you do, mister American?
K
Hello.
MAYOR
Excuse me... It is my duty, as chief official of the town,
to see to it that travelers suffer no inconveniences...
K (at first stammering a bit, but
speaking loudly toward the end of the speech)
It's not my fault. I'll... honest, I'll pay... They'll
send money from home. (BOB peeks in from behind the door) Blame
your Aeroflot, your rail road and bank system, your
telecommunications, your government, not me! Why me? This is
outrageous!
MAYOR (frightened)
I'm very sorry. If you don't like here, may I suggest you
accompany me to other lodgings...
K
What?! How dare you? By what right? I know what you mean!
You cannot throw an American citizen in your jail! I'll write to
Moscow, to Washington! I, I, I... Even if you came with your
whole police department, I won't budge! I'll talk to the
president! To all the presidents!
MAYOR
Sir, forgive me, I have a wife, little children...
K
What? Just because you have a wife and children, I must go
to jail? Great!
MAYOR
My inexperience, sir, merely inexperience. Everything is
just falling apart. The country, our moral principles and
infrastructure. Plus the insufficiency of my income - my salary
isn't enough for instant coffee and baby food. Desperation and
confusion, confusion and desperation! Don't ruin our dreams!
The economy needs your investment, people are working unemployed.
Communists could come back any minute. Today I'm a mayor,
tomorrow a party chief again! Just think what it does to my
brains!
K
Why are you telling me about all that stuff? Your income is
a very different matter, but you can't imprison me. No, you're
not big enough for that! And I'll pay, only I don't have any
cash on me now.
DOB (to Mayor)
Oh, what a smoke screen! Millionaire - and has no money?
He is testing us!
MAYOR
Money? Did you say - money? If you're in need of money or
anything else, sir, I'm at your service. It is my civil and
humanitarian duty to assist visitors to the town.
K
Really? You mean it? All right! Give, give me some money!
(Taking the money, counting) Oh! Much, much obliged! I'll send
dollars to you the minute I get home.
DOB (to Mayor)
Praise the Lord! He took the dough. Now we are sailing!
K
Jo! (Jo enters) Settle with the hotel. (JO takes money,
exits) That's Russia! Now I see that you are true Russian
souls.
DOB (to MAYOR)
You must be bolder, sir. He wants to stay undercover.
MAYOR
(to DOB) Fine. We can bluff too, as if we don't know who
he really is. (To K) Dob and me - Dob is the businessman,
total democrat and city councilman - since we were in the
neighborhood on an official trip, we made a point of stopping in
to determine whether the guests are being treated properly
according to the Christmas spirit. Some mayors may not concern
themselves with the welfare of humanity, but I, I insist that a
good reception be extended to all races, minorities and animals.
Not only because my position demands it, not because of duty,
sir, but also out of my democratic love for every mortal. But
may I ask, sir, what parts are you from?
K
Alaska. I am on my way home from Moscow.
MAYOR
Alaska? Our next door neighbor! Excellent! I imagine
you're traveling for your own pleasure, sir?
K
No, I am a graduate student. But my dad sent for me. The
old man is upset because I haven't gotten anywhere with my
studies in Russia. Well, I'd like to see him scrambling in
Russian universities for a while.
DOB (to MAYOR)
Just listen! A student! He's tough! He's even dragged in
his old father!
K
My dad is stupid and stubborn as a log. I tell him straight
to his face: I must travel! Go from one university to another!
I want to see the world! To have my Ph.D. in everything. Why on
earth should I waste my life in Alaska?
MAYOR
Very, very true, sir. What can be accomplished in the
wilds? Our town, for instance; you spend sleepless nights doing
your best for the nation, sacrificing everything, and as for
reward - complains and insults. This room seems a bit damp?
K
Absolutely! And the management has turned off the light. I
need to read, or to write my notes, and I cannot!
MAYOR
May I suggest, sir... Not being presumptuous, sir... I
have an excellent room at home, but no, I fear the honor is too
great. Don't' get angry, sir, believe me, in the simplicity of
my heart I offered it.
K
On the contrary, by all means. I would much rather be in a
Russian family than in this joint.
MAYOR
Oh how happy I am now! And my wife will be ecstatic! It
has always been my way from my earliest childhood to put the
Russian tradition of hospitality before everything, especially if
my guest is a man of American culture, a professor! I'm not
saying this to flatter you, no, I'm free from that vice, sir.
Perhaps, you would like to see how things are running in our
city... the management... (BOB pops his head in at the door)
Our hospital, for example. Or we might proceed to the school and
observe our methods of instruction in the sciences and foreign
languages. Then you might wish to visit the city prison and the
police station...
K
Police? The jail? I'd rather look at the hospital.
MAYOR
As you prefer, sir. (To DOB) We shall see how things will
go after lunch and a couple bottles of vodka.
(DOB runs to the door and hits BOB, who has been listening
outside. All exclaim. BOB picks himself up)
It's really nothing, sir. After you, sir.
(Shows K. out and follows him, scolds BOB)
Just like you, constitutional anarchists! Couldn't you find
a proper place to flop?
(Goes out, BOB after him. The furniture moves in)
ACT III: MAYOR'S HOUSE
SCENE 1: More or Less Millionaire
(Mayor's home is his stolen castle: the same office
furniture but with linen covers like expensive. A door opens and
BOB, DOB and JO come in carrying one suitcase)
JO
Guys, where do we dump this?
DOB
Right here, brother.
BOB
No, over there is better.
DOB
You did it again, Bob.
BOB
What did I do? I did nothing!
DOB
You see! You do it all the time!
BOB
No, I don't. I never do this!
DOB
But you are doing it right now! You contradict!
BOB
No, I don't! It's my opinions! My principles!
JO
Hold on. Here. (They drop the case)
DOB
Exactly!
BOB
Perfect!
DOB
Tell me, friend, how soon your millionaire be opening his
bank here?
JO
What bank? What millionaire?
BOB
Your boss. Who else?
JO
My boss? He isn't a banker.
DOB
He isn't?
JO
Well, he is - only the other way round.
BOB
Is that more than a millionaire or less?
JO
More.
BOB
I knew it! I knew it from the first moment I saw him!
JO
Look, guys, I see you are smart fellows. How about getting
me something to chew. What do you have here?
DOB
Our mayor has everything.
JO
Great! I can eat anything of everything. Is there another
way out of the room?..
(The three carry the suitcase into door. Another door moves
also -- for mister K and his crowd, they sing together American
children song)
SCENE 2: American Dreams
Mister K. enters, drunk, after him MAYOR, followed by
DIRECTOR and SUPER. BOB and DOB also are rushing back from the
guest room.
K
Excellent institutions! I like the way you show visitors
everything in your town. In Moscow and St.Petersburg I was shown
nothing.
MAYOR
If I may say so, in our capitals officials are primary
concerned about their own interests, while here, I must say, we
have no other thoughts but to deserve the world's attention by
our vigilance and virtue.
K
Yes. The lunch was very nice. Do you have lunches like
that every day?
MAYOR
Something special for our most welcome guest. A
demonstration of our potentials. You see, we can offer what big
cities don't have. Cheap quality of good living.
K
I'm crazy about good food. Where was it that we had lunch?
Seemed like a hospital.
DIRECTOR
Exactly, one of our best institutions in town, in Siberia
and Russia.
K
Yes, there were many empty beds. Have all the patients
recovered?
DIRECTOR
All have recovered, sir. It's the organization, the
management. Ever since I took control over there - you may think
it incredible - they all get well like flies. A patient sooner
sets foot in the hospital than he's cured. And it's not so much
our medicines as honest and efficient administration.
MAYOR
Yes, such are the obligations that rack the brains of a
mayor. So many matters rest on his shoulders: sanitation,
repairs, civic improvements... Some other mayor, of course,
would think only about his own benefits, but, I'm not after
bonuses, of course, that's for God to decide, but at least I'll
have a clear conscience. The central square is clean, the dead
senior citizens are looked after, the drunks are in small numbers
staying at home - what more could I ask?
K
Absolutely! I must confess, I like to philosophize myself -
I think I have a Russian soul, gentlemen.
BOB
Did you hear him, Dob? He is ready to invest.
(Sofa moves, door opens -- ANNA and MARY enter)
MAYOR
Oh, let me to introduce my family, sir. My wife and my
daughter.
K (posturing)
How delighted I am to have the pleasure of seeing you.
ANNA
It's even greater pleasure for us to see so distinguished
visitor.
K
Oh no, madam, not at all. It's far more pleasant for me.
ANNA
How can you! You say that only for the sake of a
compliment. I understand, I imagine, after America, traveling
through Russia must have been very distasteful to you.
K
Extremely. Accustomed as I am to moving in high society, in
Moscow or Washington, and suddenly to find myself in the middle
of nowhere - filthy hotel... If not for the good fortune...
(Takes ANNA's hand) that makes up for everything.
ANNA
Do you mean it? We don't deserve it. Oh, your Russian is
perfect!
K
Oh, your English is excellent!
ANNA
But I live in the Asiatic country...
K
But as I see Russia, too, has its wonders... (To All) Of
course, there is no comparing it with Washington, New York or
L.A.! That's the life. You may think I'm only a grad student.
No, I'm on a friendly terms with the head of the East European
desk at the State Department. He'll pat me on the back and says,
"Come around to dinner, my boy!" During my internship I only
dropped at the office for a minute or so, merely to issue
instructions - this must be done this way, that must done that
way. And before you know it, the clerks, poor rats, go
scratching and scribbling away. They even wanted to promote me,
but I said to myself, "What for?" But why are you standing,
gentlemen?
ALL (speaking together): In our position... we should
stand... Such occasion...
K
Forget about ranks and international diplomacy! Sit down.
(All sit) I don't like any ceremonies and stuff. In fact, I do
my utmost, my very utmost to pass unnoticed. But it's impossible
to escape attention. Simply impossible! As soon as I appear
anywhere people shout, "There he is, there he goes!" Once in
Washington I was actually taken for the Vice-President - the
marines all came out of the White House saluting.
ANNA
No! How cute!
K
Yes, I'm known everywhere. Acquainted with all the movie
stars. With Stalonne, Madonna, Cher. You see, I have written a
few little things of all kinds for the stage, television and the
Hollywood too. I'm in with the literary crowd. Very friendly
with Norman Mailer. Often I'll say to him "Well, Norman, my boy,
how goes it?" "So-so, my man," he would answer,"So-so." He's
quite a character.
ANNA
So you write too? An author's life must be fascinating.
K
Oh yes, I am the author of lots of works - God Father,
Rocky, Superman. I can't even remember all the titles. And it
was all a mere chance - I had no intention of writing, but
directors and producers said to me, "Come, write something for
us!" Well, I thought, why not? And on the spot, in one evening
I dashed them all off. My mind works with extraordinary speed.
Everything published under the name of Stephen King - I wrote it
all! I like to be published under different names, because I am
very private man at heart.
ANNA
Then I expect "James Bond" must be yours.
K
But of course.
ANNA
I knew it all along.
MARY
But Mama, it says in the titles it's by Mr. Fleming.
ANNA
There you go again! Arguing even about this!
K
Oh, yes, that's true, the first one is by Fleming, but the
rest of all the "James Bond" movies are mine. I must confess, I
live for Art. My house in Los Angeles is the finest, my home in
Washington is the best. Gentlemen, if you come to America,
please, all come to see me, I give parties, you know.
ANNA
I can imagine the glitter and elegance!
K
Oh let me tell you! Champaign, caviar! I'm at some party
every day of the week. The Canadian Foreign Minister, the French
Ambassador, the English Ambassador, The German Ambassador and I
play golf till we're exhausted. I'm barely able to drag myself
up to my dorm... What nonsense I am talking - I forgot that I
live in the mansion. You would be interested to see my reception
hall in D.C. before I am even awake in the morning: there are
ministers and diplomats jostling each other, bussing like bees -
all you hear is bzz, bzz. Sometimes even members of the
president's cabinet drop by. At one time I even ran a country.
Very curious - the president had vanished, nobody knew where.
Well, naturally, there was a lot of talk, "How will we manage?"
"Who will replace him?" Many in the congress were eager and took
it on - but as soon as they tackled it they saw that the job was
too much for them. What seemed easy, but look deeper into it and
it is a hell of a tough kind of job! They see there's no way
anyone can manage it - so they run to me. And all at once
politicians come racing, then more politicians, and more
politicians... Think of it - thirty-five thousand politicians!
"What's the problem?" I asked, "Sir, come and take charge of the
government," they say. I must admit I was a bit taken aback. I
came out in my robe, meaning to turn them down. But there, I
thought... "Very well, gentlemen, I accept the post, I accept," I
said, "so be it.," I said, "only with me, gentlemen, you had
better look out! I won't stand for any nonsense. No, sir!"
And, as a matter of fact, when I walked through the government
offices you would think an earthquake had stuck - they were all
trembling and shaking. Oh, I am not one to play games! Even
Saadam Hussein, Castro and the United Nations are afraid of me.
And well they might be! I am like that! No one gets in my way!
I tell them all, "Don't teach me!" I am everywhere! Everywhere!
I pop in and out of the White House. Tomorrow they're promoting
me to the Chief of Staff!
(Slips and almost falls. All support him respectfully)
MAYOR (tries to speak)
Your... yo... yo... yo...
K (sharp, abrupt tone)
What is it?
MAYOR
Y...y...y...
K (in the same tone)
I can make nothing of it. It's all nonsense.
MAYOR
You... your... yours... might wish to rest up...
K
Nonsense! But maybe I could use some rest. The lunch,
gentlemen, was excellent. I'm satisfied, completely satisfied.
Labardan! Labardan!
(Retires, followed by MAYOR)
SCENE 3: Shocked Russia
Silence. Nobody moves. Only furniture. Stops.
BOB (To DOB)
Now that's a man for you, Bob. That's what I call a man.
In all my life never I have been in the presence of such VIP. I
nearly died. What do you think, who is he?
DOB
I think he must be a president' son or something like that.
BOB
And I think a president isn't fit to stand next to him, you
heard how he bullies their congress? Let's run and tell
everybody to invest immediately.
(Both go out)
DIRECTOR (to Super)
Never mind the investment! What if he sobers up and whips
off a report to Washington?
SUPER
Or Moscow!
(DIRECTOR and SUPER exit together through one door)
SCENE 4: Ladies Talk
ANNA
What a charming young man!
MARY
Oh! He's hot!
ANNA
What refinement! You can see at once a man made in the
U.S.A. His manners and everything... Oh, I am awfully fond of
young men like that! He seemed very much attracted, too, did you
notice how he stared at me?
MARY
Oh, mother, he was looking at me!
ANNA
Don't be silly, my dear. It's quite out of the question.
MARY
No, he really was.
ANNA
What?! Why on earth should he look at you?
MARY
He was! He WAS looking at me. When he talked about
Hollywood, he glanced at me, and also when he told about playing
golf with the ambassadors he gave me a look.
ANNA
Oh well, perhaps once or twice, but only out of politeness.
He must have said to himself, "All right, I might as well give
her a look."
MAYOR (entering on tiptoe)
Shhh...sh-sh! I'm sorry I got him drunk. Suppose even half
of what he said is true? And why shouldn't it be true? When a
man's drunk, it all slips out. Sure, he stretched things a bit.
But then, nothing is ever said without a little trimming. He
plays golf with the ministers and is in and out of the White
House... Oh, I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of an abyss
or waiting to be hanged.
ANNA
And he didn't intimidate me at least. As far as I'm
concerned, he simply is a man of the high society and European
culture. His position and money doesn't interest me.
MAYOR
Oh really!? And let me tell you, honey! You behaved as
freely with him, as though you had been talking to Dob or Bob.
Oh how things are odd nowadays: you expect a man who looks the
part, and you wind up with a skinny little jerk. With all his
double talk I thought I'd never squeeze anything out of him. But
he has given in at last. In fact, he said more than he need.
You can see he's still young. Hush! (Walks on tiptoe) Not a
sound! Get out!
(ANNA and MARY go out)
SCENE 5: Last Instructions
(Enter CHIEF, armed and with American flags)
MAYOR
Sh! Where the hell have you been?
CHIEF
Acting on instructions, sir...
MAYOR
Sh-sh! (Claps his hand over CHIEF's mouth) Stop! Booming
like a drum! Did you check his papers? His name?
CHIEF
As you suspected, a big shot!
MAYOR
What?
CHIEF
Kennedy. Kenneth Kennedy, sir.
MAYOR
I knew it! Its explain everything! Undercover, secrecy,
lies! Kennedy! Alaska, Siberia-- he must be in oil or gold!
Not a word to anybody! Put extra security, we have our own drunk
terrorists and decedents. Don't allow any outsider into the
house, especially any of the environmentalists, minorities,
women, children, unions, businesses, state employees, senior
citizens, religious groups, press, media and the rest!
CHIEF
Yes, sir!
MAYOR
Sh-sh!
(Mister K is snoring. They listen. They walk
out, stopping at moments of silence)
ACT IV: Fun Time
The same Mayor's house.
SCENE 1: Lobbying Russian Way
(JUDGE, DIRECTOR, EDITOR, SUPER, BOB, DOB)
JUDGE (arranging all)
Hurry, in line! The man is in and out of the White House,
damn it. Bob, get over there, Dob stand here.
(BOB and DOB run on tiptoe)
DIRECTOR
You may say what you like, but we ought to take some steps.
The fish is too big.
JUDGE
What steps?
DIRECTOR
We all know what.
JUDGE
Slip him something?
DIRECTOR
Well, yes, let's say we slip him something into his hand.
BOB
To a millionaire?
DOB
Do you know why he is a millionaire and you are not?
BOB
Why?
DOB
Because they are greedy, that's why! They would take your
last ruble, that's why! He is testing us, to see could we be his
partners or not!
JUDGE
Investors! How do you invest? Who gives money in the open?
Crazy! It's risky, damn it! But maybe in the form of donation
for some American war memorial?
EDITOR
Or we can say, "Here, sir, we found this money in the mail."
DIRECTOR
Listen, these things are done differently in America. Why
are we all here? We ought to pay one by one, behind closed
doors, you know. You bribe him, he invests, you steal - and
all're happy. That's the way to do things in democratic society!
(To Judge) You go first.
JUDGE
No, you go first. After all, he got drunk in your hospital.
DIRECTOR
It would be more appropriate if the educator would go first.
SUPER
No, not me, gentlemen, I can't. If an important person, any
VIP, speaks to me, I go to pieces. My tongue sticks in my
throat. No, gentlemen, you must excuse me, you really must.
(Footsteps and coughing in K.'s room. All rush to the other
door, jostling and struggling to get out. Door moves. Several
are jammed in the doorway. A few more cry, at last all squeeze
out)
SCENE 2: Dark Cloud
(K enters in his underwear, JO after him)
K
Seems I can have a fun time around here...
JO
Our time is running out, man.
K
Especially when the Russians sincerely mean to please and
aren't trying to squeeze something in self-interest...
JO
We'll get ourselves in trouble, I'm telling you.
K
And the mayor's daughter is not at all bad looking. Well,
and the mamma too might still...
JO
I better go to check the next flight out of here. (Exits)
(Doors move. K. opens one)
SCENE 3: Bribes, Part II -
Justice Boss
JUDGE (stands still behind the door)
I have the honor of introducing myself, sir, Judge of the
District Court...
K
So you are the judge here? Do you find being a judge
profitable?
JUDGE
After nine years of service, sir... (Extending his clenched
fist with the money. Doors are moving closer)
K
What's that in your hand?
JUDGE (drops the money)
Nothing, sir.
K
What do you mean "nothing"? I see you've dropped some
money.
JUDGE (trembling)
Not at all! Oh God!
K (picking it up)
Of course it's money. See - rubles.
JUDGE
In...vest...ment...
K
What? You know what? Lend it to me.
JUDGE
Certainly! Any time! Joint-venture! Thank you!
K
I'll send your dividends to you as soon as I get them.
JUDGE
Have you any orders to give me, sir?
K (Counting money)
What sort of orders?
JUDGE
I mean, will you be issuing any instructions to our district
court, sir?
K
Why? I have no use for the court now.
JUDGE
The town is yours, sir! At your service! Any time!
(Trying to get in the door, exits)
K (Closes the door, puts money away)
The Judge is a good fellow!
SCENE 4: Press
(Another door opens, EDITOR stands behind)
EDITOR
Sir, I am an editor-in-chief of the local newspaper "Little
Mudhole World News Monitor"...
K
Ah! Please sit down. You have always lived here, I
suppose?
EDITOR
Sir, yes, sir!
K
I like this town too, you know. Of course it's not a very
big town - but why should it be? After all, it's not the
capital. It isn't, is it?
EDITOR
Sir, correct, sir!
K
Only in a big city does one find the right spirit and no
country bumpkins. Don't you agree?
EDITOR
Yes, sir, indeed, sir.
K
But one can live well in a small town too. Do you agree?
EDITOR
Yes, sir, exactly, sir.
K
After all, what does a man need? To be treated with respect
and to be liked. That's true, isn't it?
EDITOR
Yes, sir. Perfectly true, sir.
K
I must say, I'm glad you agree with me. (Looking Editor
over) So, how much would you like to invest? Three hundred or
three thousand rubles?
EDITOR
Yes, sir, of course, sir. Three thousand. I'd consider it
a pleasure. Three thousand. (Gets his money)
K
Good, very smart of you. Are you better now?
EDITOR
Sir, completely, sir. Have you observations to make with
regard to the press, sir?
K (counting money)
No, none. (Closes the door and lighting a cigar) The
editor is a very nice fellow, too...
SCENE 5: Education Leader
(Muffled voices off stage: "What are you afraid of? Don't
freak out! Go!" K opens the third door. Here's SUPERINTENDENT)
SUPER
Super... intendent of... Schools...
K
Ah, come in! Would you care for a baby-cigar?
SUPER
I never expected anything like this. Should I take it, or
shouldn't I?
K
Take it, take it. It's not a bad cigar. Of course, it's
not what you find in the States. I smoke cigars that sell for
twenty-five bucks each. One puff and you're licking your lips.
Here, light it up. Hey, not that end!
SUPER (panics, drops the cigar)
Damn it! My damned shyness has ruined everything!
K
Ah, you are not crazy for little baby cigars. Not me! They
are one of my weakness. Girls too. Oh yeah, I simply can't
resist women. What about you, eh? Which do you like best, dark
or blondes? Come on, be frank with me - what about your school
girls?
SUPER
Sir, I have no opinion, sir.
K
No, no, don't turn it off! I must to know your taste.
SUPER
Let me report, sir... I have no idea what I am talking
about.
K
Aha! A secret! I bet some pretty little brunette school
teacher has crush on you! Does she? Yes? Ah! Blushing! You
see, you see! Tell me, tell me!
SUPER
I'm s-s-scared, sir...
K
Scared? Oh yes, there is something in my eyes, indeed,
something that inspires awe. At least I never met a woman who
could resist them. Yes?
SUPER
Yes, sir, certainly.
K
So you would like to invest three hundred thousand?
SUPER (clutching at his pockets)
Three hundred thousand? Three hundred thousand rubles?..
K
Or dollars, whatever you have.
SUPER
I don't have dollars...
K
Doesn't matter what currency. Four thousand rubles would be
fine. Do you have four?
SUPER
I have, I have! (gives money)
K
Many thanks. Bye!
(SUPER runs out, hits the door)
SCENE 6: Medicine Man
DIRECTOR (hits by another door)
Sir, Director of the clinic... I had the honor of
accompanying you...
K
Yes, I remember. Lunch was excellent.
DIRECTOR
Always glad to serve our friendly nations!
K
Wait, this morning it seems to me you were somehow a little
bit shorter.
DIRECTOR
Quite possible, sir. I can say that I spare nothing of
myself zealously performing my duties. (In low voice) But the
local newspaper' editor does nothing at all - you might wish to
investigate it, sir. The Judge, too - does nothing but chase
rabbits, and as for his morals... may I be frank with you? Yes,
he's a relative and friend, but for sake of our countries I'm
obliged to do it - his conduct is most shameful. We have one guy
-Dob Chinsky - and as soon as this Dob steps out of his house,
the Judge pops in to visit his very wife, I am ready to take an
oath... You just look at the children: none of them is like Dob,
but every one, even the baby girl, is the spitting Judge.
K
No! I never would have thought it.
DIRECTOR
Now, the superintendent. It's beyond me how the authorities
could have entrusted him with such a post: he's cramming the
heads of our youth with subversive ideas - stuff too shocking to
repeat. If you like, I can put all this in writing.
K
Excellent, in writing! I like it! You know I like
something amusing to read when I am on the road... Would you
happen to have five thousand on you?
DIRECTOR
Five? Yes, sir. Here, in one bill.
K (Takes the money)
How lucky! Good for you! Thanks. See you. (Slums the
door after DIRECTOR)
SCENE 7: Small Businessmen
(Fight behind the door, BOB and DOB stuck in the doorway)
BOB
I have...
DOB
Sir...
BOB
Bob Chinsky...
DOB
Dob Chinsky...
K
Oh yes, we've met. Have you any money on you?
DOB
Money?
K (loud and quick)
Ten thousand.
BOB
Oh dear, not a such sum. Haven't you, Dob?
DOB
Not on me. All my money, my wife has.
K
All right, if you haven't got ten thousand, let me have five
hundred.
BOB
Haven't you got five hundred, Dob? I have only forty.
DOB (checking his pockets)
Twenty five - that's all.
BOB
Search, search! You have a hole in your pocket, I know you
do.
DOB
No, nothing in the hole.
K
Never mind! It's okey, sixty five will do. (Takes the
money, closes the door)
DOB (opens the door)
Sir, may I ask your assistance about a very delicate matter.
K
What is it?
DOB
It's extremely delicate, sir. You see, I had my oldest son
before I was married.
K
Really?
DOB
Though that's only in a manner of speaking, sir. He was
born exactly as children of married people are born. And
afterwards we did the proper thing, but you see, sir, I want him
to be my legitimate son before God...
K
Fine. Let him be, that's all right.
DOB
I wouldn't trouble you, sir, I'm sorry, but he is so gifted!
The boy can repeat all sorts of political jokes by heart. Bob
can tell you.
BOB
Yes, enormous talent, sir.
K
All right, all right! It'll all be taken care of. (Closes
the door)
BOB (reopens the door)
Sir, I have a very humble request too. I beg you, when you
go back to your nation's capital, say to all those great men -
senators, congressmen, and such, "Do you know that in Little
Mudhole in Siberia lives a man called Bob Chinsky."
K
Oh? All right.
BOB
And if you have a chance to speak to the president, tell
the president, "Do you know, mister President, in the town of
Little Mudhole in Russia lives Bob Chinsky."
K
Very well, very well. (Closes the door)
BOB/DOB (Behind the door)
Sorry, sir, for troubling you.
(All doors open by themselves - the officials behind,
smiling. K slums them one by one)
SCENE 8: Better Leave
K (to JO outside)
The place is stuffed with officials. Seems they take me for
someone else. I must have told them something this morning.
What a bunch of idiots! I really ought to write about them.
(Begins writing in his notebook) But they are a good-natured
bunch. How much I got? That's three hundred, six hundred,
seven... what a greasy bill! Eight, nine hundred... thousand...
(JO enters)
K (shows him money)
So, now you see, you idiot, how they treat me, the fuss they
make over me!
JO
Yes, only know what?
K
What?
JO
Let's clear out. We'd better get away at high time.
K (writing)
Nonsense! Why? What for?
JO
Our luck may turn, and someone else arrive...
K
No, I want to stay here for a while. Tomorrow. Exchange
the money on the street. (Gives him money)
JO
Tomorrow is no good. Let us be off, really. It's certain
they've taken you for some big shot.
K
Oh, all right, all right. Did you get me a plane
reservation?
JO
The Mayor's office did. I'd better pack right away. (Goes
out)
(The sofa moves to K. Music. Elvis again)
SCENE 9: RusAmerican Romance
MARY (enters)
Oh!
K
Don't be frightened, miss.
MARY
I wasn't frightened.
K
Oh? But where were you going?
MARY
Really, I wasn't going anywhere.
K
And why, may I ask, aren't you going anywhere?
MARY
You were occupied with important business...
K
But your eyes are more important than any important
business. You're incapable of disturbing me! On the contrary,
you might offer me much pleasure.
MARY
You talk as they do on television in American movies. Oh, I
ought to be going. (Sits down)
K
What lovely jeans!
MARY
Oh you, you are making fun of me. Anything to laugh at us
provincial girls.
K
How I wish I were your jeans, that I might embrace you...
(The sofa moves to them)
MARY
I don't understand what you are talking about... Funny
weather we're having today.
K
I'd much rather speak to you of my love. Like in great
Russian novels! (Drawing his chair closer)
MARY
Love! I don't understand love... I have never known what
love means. (Moves her chair away)
K
Why do you move your chair away? It's more intimate sitting
side by side.
MARY (moving away)
Why side by side? We can be intimate at a distance.
K (moving closer)
Why at a distance? We can be even more intimate side by
side.
MARY (moving away)
But for what purpose?
K (moving closer)
Though we may appear to be side by side, pretend we're at a
distance.
MARY
What bird was it flew up just now? Or an airplane?
K
Precisely.
MARY
No, that's too much!
K
It was unexpected love, it really was!
MARY
You think I am a common country girl...
K
It was Russian love, true romantic love. I didn't mean any
harm, it was only fun. Don't be angry! Oh! I'll even get on my
knees to beg your forgiveness. (Falls on his knees) See, I'm on
my knees.
(Door opens, ANNA listens behind, ANNA enters)
ANNA
Oh, good heavens! (to MARY) What's the meaning of this!
MARY
Mama, I was only...
ANNA
Leave the room! Out! Go! I don't want to see you!
(MARY leaves in tears)
ANNA
I must apologize for her, sir. I was simply astounded...
K (Throws himself on his knees again)
Madam, you see me consumed by love.
ANNA
What, you are on your knees? Oh, get up, get up! The floor
is so dusty.
K
No. On my knees. Absolutely! Oh baby, decide my destiny -
will it be life or death?
ANNA
Pardon me, sir, I don't fully grasp the meaning of yours
words. If I'm not mistaken, you're declaring your sentiments for
my daughter?
K
No, I am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If
you reject my undying love, I am not worthy of earthy existence.
My heart ablaze, I ask your hand.
ANNA
But allow me to point out that I am in some sense married.
K
That doesn't matter! Love knows no barriers. We shall flee
to America. Your hand, your hand!
(The sofa moves, they are on the sofa. Doors open)
MARY (runs in, out and in again)
Mama... Papa... says... you're to...
ANNA
What do you want? What is it? Rushing in like a hot cat!
No one would believe she's eighteen. When will you finally learn
to conduct yourself properly?
MARY (in tears)
I didn't realize...
K (Grabs ANNA's hand)
Madam, don't stand in the way of our happiness! Give your
blessing to our burning love!
ANNA
So it's her?
K
Decide! Life or death?
ANNA (To MARY)
There, you silly fool! It was you! It was for trash like
you that he was on his knees! Bursting in here like some
lunatic! Really, it would be right if I said No. You don't
deserve such happiness.
SCENE 10: Quick Engagement
(MAYOR comes in breathless)
MAYOR
Have mercy, sir, don't destroy me. I know the citizens have
been complaining. On my word of honor, not half of it is true...
ANNA
He's asking for your daughter's hand.
MAYOR
What? Are you nuts? Are you out of your mind? Forgive
her, sir, she isn't very strong in the head, sir, her mother was
the same way.
K
But I am in love.
MAYOR
I can't believe it, sir.
ANNA
Are you deaf? He just told you.
K
It's serious. I might go off my head from love.
MAYOR
I can't believe my ears. We don't deserve...
K
But if you won't consent to give me your daughter, God only
knows what I may do...
MAYOR
I just can't believe it. You must be joking, sir.
ANNA
What an imbecile! Isn't he telling you so?
K
Her hand! Your hand! I am a desperate man, I may do
anything! When I shoot myself, you'll have to answer for it!
MAYOR
But I didn't do anything. I'm innocent. Dot get angry,
sir, do what you think best. My head at this moment is
spinning... What's happening to me? I'm turning into a complete
idiot.
ANNA
For heaven's sake, give them your blessing the way he wants!
MAYOR
God bless you, and don't forget, I'm innocent. (K and MARY
kiss) What the hell! It's true! It's true! They're kissing.
Holy cow, they're kissing! Hey, Mayor! Mayor! Hurrah for the
Mayor!
SCENE 11: Time to Leave
JO (enters)
The car is ready. I got the tickets.
K
Good. I'm coming.
MAYOR
What? Sir, are you leaving?
K
Yes, I'm on my way.
MAYOR
But... I mean... a wedding?
K
Ah, it's only for a moment... for one day, to see my uncle,
a rich man. To get the money. I shall be back tomorrow. Back
in a flash. Goodby, my love. (Kisses MARY) Farewell, darling!
(Kisses ANNA) (ALL go out)
MAYOR'S VOICE: When we are to expect you, sir?
K's: Tomorrow or the next day.
JO's: Here, this side! That will be fine!
K's: By-by everybody!
ACT V: Unhappy Ending
SCENE ONE: Happy Hour
(MAYOR, ANNA, MARY return)
MAYOR
Well, Anna, did you ever expect anything like this? What a
catch, dammit! It's beyond your wildest dreams. From the wife
of Mudhole' mayor to... damn it!.. to be related to a man of
power!
ANNA
I knew it all along. It's extraordinary for you because
you're just an ordinary Russian and have never mixed with people
of quality.
MAYOR (Drinks)
I'm person of quality myself. But think about it - what
high flying birds we are now, you and me! Eh! We are flying
high now, dammit! Just wait and see - I'll make it hot for them,
sneaking about with their complaints and petitions! Who's out
there? (POLICEMAN enters) Get them all in here! I'll fix those
idiots! Complain about ME? I want the name of everyone who came
to grumble about me. And let them all know that this mayor's
daughter's marrying the most important man in the world!
(POLICEMAN exits) Anna, what's it going to be? Eh? Where will
we live? In Moscow or Washington?
ANNA
In Washington, of course. How could we possibly stay here?
MAYOR
Then it's America. Well, what do you think I might come in
for now? After all, he pals with the ministers and is and out of
the White House. He can arrange for a promotion, even make me a
congressman. What do you think, could I become a congressman?
ANNA
I should think so! Indeed you can.
MAYOR
Damn it! It'll be fun to be a congressman! Even in Alaska.
Or any other place.
ANNA
Congressman of New York is more elegant.
MAYOR
So that's what you've set your heart on! You know why I
want to be an American congressman? Secretaries and aides are
everywhere, shouting, running around and officials are
screaming -but you don't care a damn. You dine at a governor's,
and - any mayor stands in your presence! And what do you do?
Nothing! Just vote in congress! Ha-ha-ha! (Goes into a roar of
laughter) Yes, dammit, that's what I like about being a
congressman!
SCENE TWO: Fantastic Future
(JUDGE, DIRECTOR, BOB and DOB, SUPER, CHIEF enter)
JUDGE (to Mayor): It's true, that you got such stroke of
luck?
DIRECTOR: Congratulations! Giant! Our American hero!
CHIEF: Congratulation to you, boss, from the police
department!
JUDGE: Please, mayor, tell us everything, step by step.
MAYOR
Well, it came about in an extraordinary way. He made the
proposal in person the old fashion style.
ANNA
He spoke beautifully. "Anna", he said, "I'm prepared to do
anything out of respect for your rare qualities. Believe me,
Anna, life without you isn't worth living..."
MARY
Oh mother! He said that to me.
ANNA
Hush! What do you know? Mind your own business! "Anna,
I'm overwhelmed by you..." Oh, he said the most flattering
things! I was about to replay, when he fell to his knees at once
and spoke in such a passionate way, "Anna, do not make me the
unhappiest of mortals! My life is in your hands."
MARY
Mama, really! He was speaking to me.
ANNA
Yes, of course. There was something about you too. I don't
deny that.
MAYOR
He gave us quite a scare. Kept shouting, "I'll shoot
myself, I'll kill myself!"
ALL
Is that so! Really? That's American! Crazy Alaskans!
Well, I'll be damned!
SUPER
It must be fate. Or history!
DIRECTOR
Not fate, gentlemen. Fate has no hands, it's the reward of
merit. (to Judge about Mayor) Some pigs have all the luck!
CHIEF/POLICEMAN
Good health to our mayor! (Drink) To Russian American
friendship! (Drink) To our Alaska! (Drink) To American
Siberia! (Drink)
ANNA
We are intending to live in the capital now. Washington, of
course. The Russian atmosphere is too provincial. As for my
husband, he will be promoted to the rank of American mayor or
congressman.
MAYOR
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, I, dammit, I'd really love to
be a mayor in Alaska or congressman in New York. Language isn't
a problem I think. They will learn some Russian.
JUDGE (To Super)
A communist making himself an American! No way! There are
must be better men around. (To Mayor) Hurray, Mayor!
DIRECTOR (To Judge)
What's more, he may even make it. He has conceit enough for
it, the devil take him. (To MAYOR) You won't forget us then,
mister congressman!
MAYOR
I am ready to do my best to support my home town.
ANNA
You are always ready to make promises, darling. To begin
with, you won't have time for that sort of thing. And why in the
world should you be bothered? You can't help all the small fry.
(Doors move)
SCENE THREE: Catastrophic News
(EDITOR comes in breathless)
EDITOR (holding K's notebook)
Ladies and gentlemen, comrades, citizens, folks, prepare
yourselves for a shock! The man we took for a millionaire-
investor wasn't a millionaire or an investor.
ALL: Not a millionaire?! Not an investor?! Not an
American?!
EDITOR
Not at all - I've discovered it from his notebook.
MAYOR
What? What notebook?
EDITOR
HIS own writing! I couldn't help noticing the book! He
forgot it in the airport. My first thought was, "He's writing
about us. This is a historical document, I must have it!"
Naturally, I took it.
MAYOR
How could you?
EDITOR
I don't know myself. A mysterious force urged me on. I
couldn't let it go, I couldn't, I was simply drawn to take it. I
seemed to hear a voice whispering in my ear, "Don't open it, you
will be done for!" and in the other ear a devil whispered, "Go
ahead, open it, read it!" I open it - and fire ran through my
veins. I opened the last page - and turned to ice... yes, ice!
My hands shook and everything went black.
MAYOR
How dare you read a private writing of such an important
figure!
EDITOR
But that's the point, that he is not even a figure.
MAYOR
Then what is he, according to you?
EDITOR
He's a nobody, a nothing. The devil knows what he is.
MAYOR
What do you mean by nobody and nothing! How dare you say
that! I'll have you arrested.
EDITOR
Who? You?
MAYOR
Yes, me!
EDITOR
Oh yeah?
MAYOR
Are you aware that he's marrying my daughter, that I'm to be
a VIP myself, and that I'm about to pack you off to jail!
EDITOR
Oh, mayor, before talking jail you'd better let me read
this! Folks! Shall I read it aloud?
ALL: Read it, read it!
EDITOR (reads)
"The most amazing things have been happening to me. On my
way home I got stuck in Siberia, missing my plane. The hotel
management was set to have me thrown in jail, when suddenly the
whole town took me for an American investor. It must have been
my expensive pump shoes. So I'm staying at the mayor's, living
it up, flirting like mad with his wife and daughter. I haven't
decided who to start with. Probably the mother - she looks ready
to go all the way right away. Everyone lends me as much money as
I ask for. What oddballs! First and foremost the Mayor - as
stupid as an ox...
MAYOR
Impossible! It isn't there!
EDITOR (shows him the page)
Read it yourself!
MAYOR (reads)
"As stupid as an ox." It can't be! You wrote it yourself.
DIRECTOR: Read on!
SUPER: Read!
EDITOR (reads)
"The mayor is stupid as an ox..."
MAYOR
Oh hell! Do you have to repeat it? We all know the words
are there.
EDITOR (goes on reading)
Hmm...Hm... "as an ox. The newspaper editor's a decent
fellow but..." Uh, there's something rude about me, too.
MAYOR
No! Read it!
EDITOR
But what for?
MAYOR
Dammit, if you're going to read, then read! All of it!
DIRECTOR (puts on his glasses)
Here, let me have it. (Reads) "The editor is the very
image of our university janitor. The son-of-a-bitch must drink
like a fish."
EDITOR
The miserable brat! He ought to be whipped and killed!
DIRECTOR (reading)
"The director..." Hm...
EDITOR
Why did you stop?
DIRECTOR
The handwriting isn't clear. Besides, anyone can see that
he is a jerk.
EDITOR
Give it here! My eyesight's better than yours.
DIRECTOR (holding on to the dairy)
We can skip that part. It's more legible farther on.
EDITOR
No, read it all! Nothing has been left out before.
ALL: Let him have it, give him the letter. Read it!
DIRECTOR
Just a minute. (Hands over the book, covering the passage
with his finger) Here, start from here. (All crowd around)
EDITOR (reads)
"The director of the hospital is a pig in trousers"
DIRECTOR
It's not even witty. Were do you find a pig in trousers?
EDITOR
"The superintendent of school reeks of onions."
SUPER
So help me God, I never touch onions.
JUDGE
Thank God there is nothing about me.
EDITOR (reads)
"The judge..."
JUDGE
Oh, here it comes! Gentlemen, his writings are far too
long! What's sense of reading such nonsense!
SUPER
No! Read on!
DIRECTOR
Every word!
EDITOR
"Judge is the ultimate fruit cake..." Hm, must be French.
JUDGE
God knows what it means. If it means "crook," well, all
right. But it might be worse.
EDITOR (reading)
"On the whole, they are a hospitable folks. The Russians.
I intend take up literature classes. I'll just have to devote
myself to the higher calling."
ANNA
How shocking! It's a slap in the face!
MAYOR
He's slit my throat, from ear to ear. I'm finished, dead!
I see nothing, nothing but pigs, pigs snouts everywhere - no
faces! Nothing! Bring him back! Bring him down!
EDITOR
It's hopeless! He is flying over America by now!
JUDGE
But dammit, gentlemen, he borrowed three thousand from me!
DIRECTOR
And from me, too!
EDITOR
Me too.
BOB
From me and Dob - sixty five rubles!!
JUDGE
How could we have been so mistaken, gentlemen!
MAYOR (slapping his own face)
How could I?! My brains must gone soft with this new
political age! Years of my Soviet service, and not a single
bureaucrat, inspector or contractor put one over on me. I've
cheated the cheats and swindled the swindlers. Thieves and
frauds willing to steal from their own mothers fell into my
clutches. Three party bosses in a row - I hoodwinked every one
of them!
ANNA
I just can't believe it, darling. He's engaged to our Mary.
MAYOR
Engaged! Engaged! Stuff your engagement! (In a frenzy)
Look at me, all look at me, I want the whole world, every nation,
to look at me! See what a fool the mayor has been made! (Shakes
his fist at himself) Oh you idiot! Taking that jerk, that worm,
for a VIP! And now he is in the air, laughing and spreading the
story everywhere. He'll turn you into the laughingstock of the
whole world! What's worse - some scribbler will stick you into a
comedy! That's hurts. And they'll all grin and clap. (To the
audience) What are you laughing at? You, you're laughing at
yourself! Ooooh! You sniveling liberals! Devil's seed! I'd
tie you all in a knot, pound you all to a jelly and kick you down
to hell! (Strikes out with his fist) What was there about that
scatterbrain to make us take him for an investor? Nothing! Not
that much! And yet everyone was suddenly yapping, "It's the
millionaire! The investor! Inspector!" Who started the rumor?
Who?
DIRECTOR
For the life of me, I can't explain it. We were in a fog.
JUDGE
You want to know who started it? I'll tell you who - these
two geniuses! (Points at DOB and BOB. Furniture moves at them)
BOB
Not me, not me! It never crossed my mind.
DOB
Me either. I had nothing to do with it.
DIRECTOR
Of course it was you!
SUPER
They came running from the motel, raving like lunatics.
"He's here, he's here, and he won't pay."
MAYOR
Damned liars! American agents!
DIRECTOR
The devil take you with your tales of an American investor!
ALL: Idiots! Morons! Jerks!
(All crowd around BOB and DOB)
BOB
I swear, it wasn't me. It was Dob!
DOB
Oh no, Bob. You said it first.
BOB
No, sir! You said "Aha" first!
(Light blinks, everything moves, voice through loud
speakers)
VOICE: Mayor! Mayor! Sir, the government delegation with
American investors has arrived from Moscow. They demand your
immediate presence at the airport. Over.
(Gogol: The words strike everyone like a thunderbolt. The
ladies let out a simultaneous cry of consternation. The entire
group change its positions suddenly and remains frozen)
Voice on tape: "Now another American happy song. Together,
please! "Itsi-bitsi spider..."
DUMB SCENE: MAYOR stands in the middle like a post,
his arms extended and his head thrown back. On his right hand
are his wife and daughter leaning forward toward him, behind
them, EDITOR transformed into the shape of a question mark
addressed to the audience. Behind him SUPERINTENDENT in a state
of innocent bewilderment. On MAYOR's left, DIRECTOR, his head
inclined slightly to the side as if listening for something.
Behind him, JUDGE, his arms extended, squatting almost to the
floor, and moving his lips as if about to whistle or mutter,
"We're in for it now, my friends!" BOB and DOB arms straining
toward one another, mouths gaping, and eyes popping. The frozen
group holds its position for almost a minute and a half.
