|
Father-Russia
My father was a big boy at sixteen and he lied that he is eighteen. He was wounded in 1942 and never knew how many Germans did he killed; no matter how many times I asked him I am the first man in line, who didn't kill anybody. Nor my son. Not my grandson. How do I know, he is only twelve. ... [ Russian Father and His American Sons ] -- If I would be religious, I say that the 20th century was possessed by the devils. Especially, in Russia. And this is the reason of the success, technical, mostly. I am not religious. ... * ru; some texts in Russian + video(s) 2008.htm and other pages about Russia -- "2008" diary.vtheatre.net : more than politics, more than Personal Politics, more... But not enough comments! Not enough said about August 2008 and the day when Russia crossed the line, the point of no return, and that moment in No-History, which should be remembered as the End of the Russian Federation as it was since Dec. 1992... Dramatic? Do they know what took place in this Five-Day-War with Georgia, which didn't fight back... Not really. Not dramatic enough, I say, not written out, not by me. ... Why didn't I do it? Will you? About Solszhenitsyn's death, war, market crash... Or just about yourself, reading about it. We, in America, had two conventions -- about the future of USA? ... I could tell MY STORY, I didn't do it in Father-Russia, in Century of Antohins... Why? Two languages -- and this is not enough? Two lifes -- not enough? It's not only my story! I want to scream. I cannot hear my own voice. ...
|
|
"Personal Politics" notes
... what can I tell to my grandson about another war by Russia? Don't he have enough American wars to answer for? I am afraid to speak to the boy. I envy my father who had fight with me. My sons won't speak their heart to me or anybody. They know that I had to learn -- there is no father out there. Father die together with fatherland. I am bad American, and I am too old to shoot Russians, even if I would have courage to do it... Лидер и Дилер -- Horizontal Russia and Vertical [ my comments ] "Existential Politics" = "us" and the Other ["Different" and Isolation] -- Is it possible? Yes, if Russian will shrink to the size of Moscow kingdom. And even then -- this mini-Russia should be relocated to some island. "West"? A century ago Spengler understood that the 19th century historical geography is not working anymore. He even didn't consider America as (true) "West". Not even fashionable "North-South" disposition? ... USA doesn't have to do much, it's Russia, who will do the job of (self) destruction. "Vertical of Power" and economic gravity -- who rules? Leaders? There are no "leaders" in 21st century. [ * ] ... and to follow:
Interesting, but too late. Even for Russia. Who is asking? Forget the answers. ...
|
R.. RU... RUS...
-- Say it!
Russia...
-- Letters instead of sounds.
No words.
If I have to forget decency in order to have motherland, I say -- let it be, the hell, with it, with motherland.[ written on day Russian tanks left Gori. 8.23.08 ]I rather die alone, than dishonestly in my land.
I rather not to have land at all, than to sell my soul.
And nobody out there to buy it.
Who needs it?
And you drop it somewhere in the garage alone with other things you will never need and will never find.
...
I would scream and cry, dying when no one will understand my words and tears, but I won't take comfort from you, who betrayed our blood.
Who betrayed themselves and the very name of Russia.
Because Russian of slave is worse than no Russia at all.
If freedom cost that much, you pay that much.
What good does it make to be not myself, not free and call myself a Russian?
Call me any other name, call me a number, it doesn't matter, if I have no family and relatives.
If the family cannot be even friends, what is it worth?
If my language cannot express true, why do I need it?
Where you born, man?
And I cry.
I cry in my dreams, so nobody would see it.
Only I know that I cry.
What could I say, if I do not talk about it with my children, who are old enough to have their own children?
"I was born in Moscow"...
-- Tell me about your hometown, man?
I cry in silence.
What can I tell you, my son.
-- I have to tell it to my children, father.
And I cry without tears. I am ashamed of my tears.
How can I tell my son to tell his son that Russia is for books and songs, but for their children to live or even visit.
And another Anton will never know that Moscow is Moskva.
Will never write his name in Russian,
Will never say touch old Russian books, because they are written in language which is no more.
I see my children, who understand it but not use it...
What good such a language could do for a living being?
I do not blame them or even myself --
This language of no use in the corner of the world once called Russia.
What is my name?
I do not know anymore. I forgot.
I want to forget. I want to die in peace.
Soon, soon.
...
Пользователь nkan02 (nkan02) ответил на комментарий, оставленный вами к вашей записи в Живом Журнале. Комментарий, на который был получен ответ:
In 1980 I defected from the Soviet Union and the CIA guys in the American Embassy didn't know how to write in their reports the reason -- why? They didn't understand that after Afghanistan in order for me to stay Russian, I better not to be in Russia. The interrogations in Rome went for hours, two translators gave up on describing answer to this simple line "The reason for defection". Go back to the Russian Embassy if you want to be Russian! [They never understood the difference between Russian and Soviet.] And who is in Russia if not Russians?
Here it is the Sinayvsky's "stylistic differences" with the Soviet government.
In 1992 I return to "Russia" -- and in 1994 I left again.
Is it possible to be a Russian in Russia?
I do not know, I never lived in Russia. I never saw Russia.
I only read about Russia in the books written in good Russian.
Once Brodsky said that if Brezhnev is a human being, he is not.
I only can paraphrase this thought : If Putin is Russian, I am not.
How many Russians in Russia are Russians?
They think that this is "ethnicity" issue, they think that being born is Russia makes you Russian...
I couldn't fight the American bureaucrats that night almost 30 years ago in Rome: "What do you think about why I defect?" "In search of artistic freedom" -- and I signed it. All right, I lost my fight back in Moscow to fight it abroad.
How do "they" think, the majority (Bolshevics)?
I do not think that they "think", I do not think they know that they are not Russians.
Ответ был таким:
Тема: Re: Russians without Russia
I do not know, I never lived in Russia. I never saw Russia.
I only read about Russia in the books written in good Russian.
heh, i am also familiar with the embarrassment of being a Russian (and from Russia). it used to be a great country. not anymore.
|
|
2005-2006 Theatre UAF Season: Four Farces + One Funeral & Godot'06
http://www.gazeta.ru/column/gevorkyan/2824094.shtml -- where is to comment? only in my livejournal?
