Search The Internet Movie Database Enter the name of a movie, TV show, or person and then
click "Go" to get more information about it/them from
imdb.com.
Directors, do you know how to work with actors? How to help them and how to get from them what you want? How to break the character into acting parts and put back together as a role? How to break the monologue for your actor? How ho organize the moviment in front of the camera, which actors can inderstand? Do you know acting theory and teminology (motivation, objective, through-line and so on)? Do you know how to ask right questions (analysis)? Do you know how to help your actor to do his or her character study (homework)? Do you know how to let actors understand the storyboard and camera movements?...
I hope that hyper-structure will work for me now: if you need more on acting, you go to two big acting directories: Acting One, Biomechanics and Method.
[ total acting ]
Read what I wrote for actors about Auditions. If you make two-three wrong choices with the major roles, you can kill the film, even if you are great and your script is great. You go for a closeup -- and it's not there! What do you do then?
Camera must to do the acting! Is it an interactive axis?
Go to SHOWS directory and select monologues (3 Sisters, for example) and see how you can break it into shots. Examine each shot against the dramatic essence -- visual composition is always follow the drama (conflict and action).
ArtistWebsite
ACTING FOR DIRECTORS: Too often, filmmakers who have mastered the visual aspect of filmmaking are clueless when it comes to understanding the needs of the actor. Having never been on the other side of the camera, they have little idea of how to help actors give the natural and specific performances that are necessary to tell the story and engage the audience. We believe this training is critical for film directors. Our one-year program includes an intensive course in the first semester that explores the craft of film acting. Students learn how to build a character and a performance based on the information given in a film script. This will be of incalculable value to them as they write and direct their films in the one-year program and beyond. (NYC Film Academy)
[ Chekhov ]one-man -- Tobacco
[ braking into story-segment in class ]
NYUKHIN: (He enters the stage with great dignity, wearing long side whiskers and worn-out flock coat. He bows majestically to his audience, adjusts his waistcoat, and speaks.)
Ladies and ... so to speak... gentlemen. It was suggested to my wife that I give a public ledture here for charity. Well, if I must, I must. It's all the same to me. I am not a professor and I've never finish the university. And yet, nevertheless, over the past thirty years I have been ruining my health by constant, unceasing examination of matters of strictly scientific nature. I am a man of intellectual curiosity, and, image, at times I write essays on scientific matters -- well, not exactly scientific, but, if you will pardon me, approximately scientific. Just another day I finished a long article entitled: "On the Harmfulness of Certain Insects." My daughters liked it immensely, especially the part about bedbugs. But I just read it over and tore it up. What difference does it make whether such things are written? You still have to have naphtha. We have bedbugs, even in our grand piano... For the subject of my lecture today I have taken, so to speak, the harm done mankind by the use of tobacco. I myself smoke, but my wife told me to lecture on the harmfulness of tobacco, and so what's to be done? Tobacco it is. It's all the same to me; but, ladies and... so to speak gentleman... I urge you to take my lecture with all due seriousness, or something awful may happen. If any of you are afraid of a dry, scientific lecture, cannot stomach that sort of thing, you needdn't listen. You may leave.
(He again adjusts his waistcoat.)
Are there any doctors present? If so, I insist that you listen very carefully, for my lecture will contain much useful information, since tobacco, besides being harmful, contains certain medical properties. For example, if you take a fly and put him in a snuff box, he will die, probably from nervous exhaustion. Tobacco, strictly speaking, is a plant... Yes, I know, when I lecture I blink my right eye. Take no notice. It's simple nervousness. I am a very nervous man, generally speaking. I started blinking years ago, in 1889, to be precise, on September the thirteenth, the very day my wife gave birth to our, so to speak, fourth daughter, Varvara. All my daughters were born on the thirteeth. But... (He looks at his watch.) time at our disposal is strictly limited. I see I have digressed from the subject.
I must tell you, by the way, that my wife runs a boarding school. Well, not exactly a boarding school, but something in the nature of one. Just between us, my wife likes to complain about hard times, but she has put away a little nest egg... some forty or fifty thousand rubles. As for me, I haven't a kopek to my name, not a penny... and, well, what's the use of dwelling on that? At the school, it is my lot to look after the housekeepng. I buy supplies, keep an eye on the servants, keep the books, stitch together the exercise books, exterminate bedbugs, take my wife's little dog for walks, catch mice. Last night, it fell to me to give the cook flour and butter for today's breakfast. Well, to make a long story short, today, when the pancakes were ready, my wife came to the kitchen and said that three students would not be eating pancakes, as they had swollen glands. So it seems we had a few too many pancakes. What to do with them? First my wife ordered them stored away, but then she thought awhile, and she said, "You eat those pancakes, you scarecrow." When she's out of humor, that's what she calls me: "scarecrow," or "viper," or "devil." What sort of devil am I? She's always out of humor. I didn't eat those pancakes; I wolfed them down. I am always hungry. Why yesterday, she gave me no dinner. She says, "What's the use feeding you, you scarecrow..." However... (He looks at his warch.) I have strayed from my subject. Let us continue. But some of you, I'm sure, would rather hear a romance, or a symphony, some aria...
(He sings.)
"We shall not shrink In the heart of battle:
Forward, be strong."
I forgot that comes from... Oh, by the way, I should tell you that at my wife's school, apart from looking after the housekeeping, my duties include teaching mathematics, physics, chemistry, georgraphy, history, solfeggio, literature, and so forth. For dancing, singing, and drawing, my wife charges extra, although the singing and dancing master is yours truly. Our school is located at Dog Alley, number 13. I suppose that's why my life has been so unlucky, living in house number thirteen. All my daughters were born on the thirteenth, I think I told you, and our house has thirteen windows, and, in short, what's the use? Appointments with my wife may be made for any hour, and the school's propectus may be had for thirty kopeks from the porter.
(He takes a few copies out of his pocket.)
Ah, here you see, I've brought a few with me. Thirty kopecs a copy. Would anyone care for one?
(A pause.)
No one? Well, make it twenty kopecs. (Another pause.) What a shame! Yes, house number thirteen. I am a failure. I've grown old and stupid. Here I am, lecturing, and to all appearances enjoying myself, but I tell you I have such an urge to scream at the top of my lungs, to run away to the ends of the earth... There is no one to talk to. I want to weep. What about your daughters, you say, eh? Well, what about them? I try to talk to them, and they only laugh. My wife has seven daughters. Seven. No. Sorry, it's only six. Now, wait, it is seven. Anna, the eldest, is twenty-seven, the youngest is seventeen. Ladies and gentleman:
(He looks around surreptitiously.)
I am miserable: I have become a fool, a nonentity. But then, all in all, you see before you the happiest of fathers. Why shouldn't I be, and who am I to say that I am not? Oh, if you only knew: I have lived with my wife for thirty-three years, and, I can say they are the best years of my life... well, not the best, but aspproximately the best. They have passed, as it were, in a thrice, and, well, to hell with them.
(Again, he looks around surreptitiously.)
I don't think my wife has arrived yet. She is not here. So, I can say what I like. I am afraid... I am terribly afraid when she looks at me. Well, I was talking about our duaghters. They don't get married, probably because they're so shy, and also because men can never get near them. My wife doesn't give parties. She never invites anyone to dinner. She's a stingy, shrewish, ill-tempered old biddy, and that's why no one comes to see us, but... I can tell you confidentially...
(He comes down to the edge of his platform.)
on holidays, my daughters can be seen at the home of their aunt, Natalia, the one who has rheumatism and always wears a yellow dress covered with black spots that look like cockroaches. There you can eat. And if my wife happens not to be looking, then you'll see me...
(He makes a drinking gesture.)
Oh, you'll see I can get tipsy on just one glass. Then I feel so happy and at the same time so sad, it's unimaginable. I think of my yough, and then somehow I long to run away, to clear out. Oh, if you only knew how I long to do it! To run away, to be free of everything, to run without ever looking back... Where? Anywhere, so long as it is away from that vile, mean, cheap life that has made me into a fool, a miserable idiot; to run away from that stupid, petty, hot headed, spiteful, nasty old miser, my wife, who has given me thirty-three years of torment; to run away from the music, the kitchen, my wife's bookkeeping ledgers, all those mundane, trivial affairs... To run away and then stop somewhere far, far away on a hill, and stand there like a tree, a pole, a scarecrow, under the great sky and the still, bright moon, and to forget, simply forget... Oh, how I long to forget! How I long to tear off this flock coat, this coat that I wore thirty-three years ago at my wedding, and that I still wear for lectures for charity!
(He tears off his coat.)
Take that: And that:
(Stamping on the coat.)
I am a poor, shabby, tattered wretch, like the back of this waistcoat. (He turns his back showing his waistcoat.) I ask for nothing. I am better than that. I was young once; I went to the university, I had dreams, I thought of myself as a man, but now... now, I want nothing. Nothing but peace... peace.
(He lloks off stage. Quickly he pick up his flock coat and puts it on.)
She is here. My wife is there in the wings waiting for me. (He looks at his watch.) I see our time is up. If she asks you, please, I beg you, tell her that her scarecrow husband, I mean, the lecturer, me, behaved with dignity. Oh, she is looking at me.
(He resumes his dignity and raises his voice.)
Given that tobacco contains a trrible poison, which I have had the pleasure of describing to you, smoking should at all costs be avoided, and permit me to add my hopes that these observations on the harmfulness of tabacco will have been of some profit to you. And so I conclude. Dixi et animan levavi!*
(He bows majestically, and exits with grand dignity.)
The private office of the Chairman of Directors. On the left is a door, leading into the public department. There are two desks. The furniture aims at a deliberately luxurious effect, with armchairs covered in velvet, flowers, statues, carpets, and a telephone. It is midday. KHIRIN is alone; he wears long
felt boots, and is shouting through the door.
KHIRIN. Send out to the chemist for 15 copecks' worth of valerian drops, and
tell them to bring some drinking water into the Directors' office! This is the
hundredth time I've asked! [Goes to a desk] I'm absolutely tired out. This is
the fourth day I've been working, without a chance of shutting my eyes. From
morning to evening I work here, from evening to morning at home. [Coughs] And
I've got an inflammation all over me. I'm hot and cold, and I cough, and my legs
ache, and there's something dancing before my eyes. [Sits] Our scoundrel of a
Chairman, the brute, is going to read a report at a general meeting. "Our Bank,
its Present and Future." You'd think he was a Gambetta. . . . [At work] Two . .
. one . . . one . . . six . . . nought . . . seven. . . . Next, six . . . nought
. . . one . . . six. . . . He just wants to throw dust into people's eyes, and
so I sit here and work for him like a galley-slave! This report of his is poetic
fiction and nothing more, and here I've got to sit day after day and add
figures, devil take his soul! [Rattles on his counting-frame] I can't stand it!
[Writing] That is, one . . . three . . . seven. . . two . . . one . . . nought.
. . . He promised to reward me for my work. If everything goes well to-day and
the public is properly put into blinkers, he's promised me a gold charm and 300
roubles bonus. . . . We'll see. [Works] Yes, but if my work all goes for
nothing, then you'd better look out. . . . I'm very excitable. . . . If I lose
my temper I'm capable of committing some crime, so look out! Yes!
Noise and applause behind the scenes. SHIPUCHIN'S voice: "Thank you! Thank you!
I am extremely grateful." Enter SHIPUCHIN. He wears a frockcoat and white tie;
he carries an album which has been just presented to him.
SHIPUCHIN. [At the door, addresses the outer office] This present, my dear
colleagues, will be preserved to the day of my death, as a memory of the
happiest days of my life! Yes, gentlemen! Once more, I thank you! [Throws a kiss
into the air and turns to KHIRIN] My dear, my respected Kusma Nicolaievitch!
All the time that SHIPUCHIN is on the stage, clerks intermittently come in with
papers for his signature and go out.
KHIRIN. [Standing up] I have the honour to congratulate you, Andrey
Andreyevitch, on the fiftieth anniversary of our Bank, and hope that . . .
SHIPUCHIN. [Warmly shakes hands] Thank you, my dear sir! Thank you! I think that
in view of the unique character of the day, as it is an anniversary, we may kiss
each other! . . . [They kiss] I am very, very glad! Thank you for your service .
. . for everything! If, in the course of the time during which I have had the
honour to be Chairman of this Bank anything useful has been done, the credit is
due, more than to anybody else, to my colleagues. [Sighs] Yes, fifteen years!
Fifteen years as my name's Shipuchin! [Changes his tone] Where's my report? Is
it getting on?
KHIRIN. Yes; there's only five pages left.
SHIPUCHIN. Excellent. Then it will be ready by three?
KHIRIN. If nothing occurs to disturb me, I'll get it done. Nothing of any
importance is now left.
SHIPUCHIN. Splendid. Splendid, as my name's Shipuchin! The general meeting will
be at four. If you please, my dear fellow. Give me the first half, I'll peruse
it. . . . Quick. . . . [Takes the report] I base enormous hopes on this report.
It's my profession de foi, or, better still, my firework.* My firework,
as my name's Shipuchin! [Sits and reads the report to himself] I'm hellishly
tired. . . . My gout kept on giving me trouble last night, all the morning I was
running about, and then these excitements, ovations, agitations . . . I'm tired!
* The actual word employed.
KHIRIN. Two. . . nought. . . nought . . . three . . . nine . . . two . . .
nought. I can't see straight after all these figures. . . . Three. . . one . . .
six. . . four . . . one . . . five. . . . [Uses the counting-frame.]
SHIPUCHIN. Another unpleasantness. . . . This morning your wife came to see me
and complained about you once again. Said that last night you threatened her and
her sister with a knife. Kusma Nicolaievitch, what do you mean by that? Oh, oh!
KHIRIN. [Rudely] As it's an anniversary, Andrey Andreyevitch, I'll ask for a
special favour. Please, even if it's only out of respect for my toil, don't
interfere in my family life. Please!
SHIPUCHIN. [Sighs] Yours is an impossible character, Kusma Nicolaievitch! You're
an excellent and respected man, but you behave to women like some scoundrel.
Yes, really. I don't understand why you hate them so?
KHIRIN. I wish I could understand why you love them so! [Pause.]
SHIPUCHIN. The employees have just presented me with an album; and the
Directors, as I've heard, are going to give me an address and a silver loving-cup. . . .
[Playing with his monocle] Very nice, as my name's Shipuchin! It
isn't excessive. A certain pomp is essential to the reputation of the Bank,
devil take it! You know everything, of course. . . . I composed the address
myself, and I bought the cup myself, too. . . . Well, then there was 45 roubles
for the cover of the address, but you can't do without that. They'd never have
thought of it for themselves. [Looks round] Look at the furniture! Just look at
it! They say I'm stingy, that all I want is that the locks on the doors should
be polished, that the employees should wear fashionable ties, and that a fat
hall-porter should stand by the door. No, no, sirs. Polished locks and a fat
porter mean a good deal. I can behave as I like at home, eat and sleep like a
pig, get drunk. . . .
KHIRIN. Please don't make hints.
SHIPUCHIN. Nobody's making hints! What an impossible character yours is. . . .
As I was saying, at home I can live like a tradesman, a parvenu, and be
up to any games I like, but here everything must be en grand. This is a
Bank! Here every detail must imponiren, so to speak, and have a majestic
appearance. [He picks up a paper from the floor and throws it into the
fireplace] My service to the Bank has been just this--I've raised its
reputation. A thing of immense importance is tone! Immense, as my name's
Shipuchin! [Looks over KHIRIN] My dear man, a deputation of shareholders may
come here any moment, and there you are in felt boots, wearing a scarf . . . in
some absurdly coloured jacket. . . . You might have put on a frock-coat, or at
any rate a dark jacket. . . .
KHIRIN. My health matters more to me than your shareholders. I've an
inflammation all over me.
SHIPUCHIN. [Excitedly] But you will admit that it's untidy! You spoil the
ensemble!
KHIRIN. If the deputation comes I can go and hide myself. It won't matter if . .
. seven . . . one . . . seven . . . two . . . one . . . five . . . nought. I
don't like untidiness myself. . . . Seven. . . two. . . nine. . . [Uses the
counting-frame] I can't stand untidiness! It would have been wiser of you not to
have invited ladies to to-day's anniversary dinner. . . .
SHIPUCHIN. Oh, that's nothing.
KHIRIN. I know that you're going to have the hall filled with them to-night to
make a good show, but you look out, or they'll spoil everything. They cause all
sorts of mischief and disorder.
SHIPUCHIN. On the contrary, feminine society elevates!
KHIRIN. Yes. . . . Your wife seems intelligent, but on the Monday of last week
she let something off that upset me for two days. In front of a lot of people
she suddenly asks: "Is it true that at our Bank my husband bought up a lot of
the shares of the Driazhsky-Priazhsky Bank, which have been falling on exchange?
My husband is so annoyed about it!" This in front of people. Why do you tell
them everything, I don't understand. Do you want them to get you into serious
trouble?
SHIPUCHIN. Well, that's enough, enough! All that's too dull for an anniversary.
Which reminds me, by the way. [Looks at the time] My wife ought to be here soon.
I really ought to have gone to the station, to meet the poor little thing, but
there's no time. . . . and I'm tired. I must say I'm not glad of her! That is to
say, I am glad, but I'd be gladder if she only stayed another couple of days
with her mother. She'll want me to spend the whole evening with her to-night,
whereas we have arranged a little excursion for ourselves. . . . [Shivers] Oh,
my nerves have already started dancing me about. They are so strained that I
think the very smallest trifle would be enough to make me break into tears! No,
I must be strong, as my name's Shipuchin!
Enter TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA SHIPUCHIN in a waterproof, with a little travelling
satchel slung across her shoulder.
SHIPUCHIN. Ah! In the nick of time!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Darling!
[Runs to her husband: a prolonged kiss.
SHIPUCHIN. We were only speaking of you just now! [Looks at his watch.]
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Panting] Were you very dull without me? Are you well? I
haven't been home yet, I came here straight from the station. I've a lot, a lot
to tell you. . . . I couldn't wait. . . . I shan't take off my clothes, I'll
only stay a minute. [To KHIRIN] Good morning, Kusma Nicolaievitch! [To her
husband] Is everything all right at home?
SHIPUCHIN. Yes, quite. And, you know, you've got to look plumper and better this
week. . . . Well, what sort of a time did you have?
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Splendid. Mamma and Katya send their regards. Vassili
Andreitch sends you a kiss. [Kisses him] Aunt sends you a jar of jam, and is
annoyed because you don't write. Zina sends you a kiss. [Kisses.] Oh, if you
knew what's happened. If you only knew! I'm even frightened to tell you! Oh, if
you only knew! But I see by your eyes that you're sorry I came!
SHIPUCHIN. On the contrary. . . . Darling. . . . [Kisses her.]
KHIRIN coughs angrily.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Oh, poor Katya, poor Katya! I'm so sorry for her, so sorry
for her.
SHIPUCHIN. This is the Bank's anniversary to-day, darling, we may get a
deputation of the shareholders at any moment, and you're not dressed.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Oh, yes, the anniversary! I congratulate you, gentlemen. I
wish you. . . . So it means that to-day's the day of the meeting, the dinner. .
. . That's good. And do you remember that beautiful address which you spent such
a long time composing for the shareholders? Will it be read to-day?
KHIRIN coughs angrily.
SHIPUCHIN. [Confused] My dear, we don't talk about these things. You'd really
better go home.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. In a minute, in a minute. I'll tell you everything in one
minute and go. I'll tell you from the very beginning. Well. . . . When you were
seeing me off, you remember I was sitting next to that stout lady, and I began
to read. I don't like to talk in the train. I read for three stations and didn't
say a word to anyone. . . . Well, then the evening set in, and I felt so
mournful, you know, with such sad thoughts! A young man was sitting opposite me--not
a bad-looking fellow, a brunette. . . . Well, we fell into conversation. .
. . A sailor came along then, then some student or other. . . . [Laughs] I told
them that I wasn't married . . . and they did look after me! We chattered till
midnight, the brunette kept on telling the most awfully funny stories, and the
sailor kept on singing. My chest began to ache from laughing. And when the
sailor--oh, those sailors!-- when he got to know my name was TATIANA, you know
what he sang? [Sings in a bass voice]" Onegin don't let me conceal it, I love
Tatiana madly!"* [Roars with laughter.]
*From the opera Evgeni Onegin--words by Pushkin.
KHIRIN coughs angrily.
SHIPUCHIN. Tania, dear, you're disturbing Kusma Nicolaievitch. Go home, dear. .
. . Later on. . . .
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. No, no, let him hear if he wants to, it's awfully
interesting. I'll end in a minute. Serezha came to meet me at the station. Some
young man or other turns up, an inspector of taxes, I think . . . quite
handsome, especially his eyes. . . Serezha introduced me, and the three of us
rode off together. . . It was lovely weather. . . .
Voices behind the stage: "You can't, you can't! What do you want?" Enter
MERCHUTKINA, waving her arms about.
MERCHUTKINA. What are you dragging at me for. What else! I want him himself! [To
SHIPUCHIN] I have the honour, your excellency . . . I am the wife of a civil
servant, Nastasya Fyodorovna Merchutkina.
SHIPUCHIN. What do you want?
MERCHUTKINA. Well, you see, your excellency, my husband has been ill for five
months, and while he was at home, getting better, he was suddenly dismissed for
no reason, your excellency, and when I went to get his salary, they, you see,
deducted 24 roubles 36 copecks from it. What for? I ask. They said, "Well, he
drew it from the employees' account, and the others had to make it up." How can
that be? How could he draw anything without my permission? No, your excellency!
I'm a poor woman . . . my lodgers are all I have to live on. . . . I'm weak and
defenceless. . . . Everybody does me some harm, and nobody has a kind word for
me.
SHIPUCHIN. Excuse me. [Takes a petition from her and reads it standing.]
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [To KHIRIN] Yes, but first we. . . . Last week I suddenly
received a letter from my mother. She writes that a certain Grendilevsky has
proposed to my sister Katya. A nice, modest, young man, but with no means of his
own, and no assured position. And, unfortunately, just think of it, Katya is
absolutely gone on him. What's to be done? Mamma writes telling me to come at
once and influence Katya.
KHIRIN. [Angrily] Excuse me, you've made me lose my place! You go talking about
your mamma and Katya, and I understand nothing; and I've lost my place.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. What does that matter? You listen when a lady is talking to
you! Why are you so angry to-day? Are you in love? [Laughs.]
SHIPUCHIN. [To MERCHUTKINA] Excuse me, but what is this ? I can't make head or
tail of it.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Are you in love? Aha! You're blushing!
SHIPUCHIN. [To his wife] Tanya, dear, do go out into the public office for a
moment. I shan't be long.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. All right. [Goes out.]
SHIPUCHIN. I don't understand anything of this. You've obviously come to the
wrong place, madam. Your petition doesn't concern us at all. You should go to
the department in which your husband was employed.
MERCHUTKINA. I've been there a good many times these five months, and they
wouldn't even look at my petition. I'd given up all hopes, but, thanks to my
son-in-law, Boris Matveyitch, I thought of coming to you. "You go, mother," he
says, " and apply to Mr. Shipuchin, he's an influential man and can do
anything." Help me, your excellency!
SHIPUCHIN. We can't do anything for you, Mrs. Merchutkina. You must understand
that your husband, so far as I can gather, was in the employ of the Army Medical
Department, while this is a private, commercial concern, a bank. Don't you
understand that?
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, I can produce a doctor's certificate of my
husband's illness. Here it is, just look at it. . . .
SHIPUCHIN. [Irritated] That's all right; I quite believe you, but it's not our
business. [Behind the scene, TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA'S laughter is heard, then a
man's. SHIPUCHIN glances at the door] She's disturbing the employees. [To
MERCHUTKINA] It's strange and it's even silly. Surely your husband knows where
you ought to apply?
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, I don't let him know anything. He just cried out:
"It isn't your business! Get out of this!" And . . .
SHIPUCHIN. Madam, I repeat, your husband was in the employ of the Army Medical
Department, and this is a bank, a private, commercial concern.
MERCHUTKINA. Yes, yes, yes. . . . I understand, my dear. In that case, your
excellency, just order them to pay me 15 roubles! I don't mind taking that to be
going on with.
SHIPUCHIN. [Sighs] Ouf!
KHIRIN. Andrey Andreyevitch, I'll never finish the report at this rate
SHIPUCHIN. One moment. [To MERCHUTKINA] I can't get any sense out of you. But do
understand that your taking this business here is as absurd as if you took a
divorce petition to a chemist's or into a gold assay office. [Knock at the door.
The voice of TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA is heard, "Can I come in, Andrey?" SHIPUCHIN
shouts] Just wait one minute, dear! [To MERCHUTKINA] What has it got to do with
us if you haven't been paid? As it happens, madam, this is an anniversary to-day,
we're busy . . . and somebody may be coming here at any moment. . . .
Excuse me. . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, have pity on me, an orphan! I'm a weak,
defenceless woman. . . . I'm tired to death . . . . I'm having trouble with my
lodgers, and on account of my husband, and I've got the house to look after, and
my son-in-law is out of work. . . .
SHIPUCHIN. Mrs. Merchutkina, I . . . No, excuse me, I can't talk to you! My
head's even in a whirl. . . . You are disturbing us and making us waste our
time. [Sighs, aside] What a business, as my name's Shipuchin! [To KHIRIN] Kusma
Nicolaievitch, will you please explain to Mrs. Merchutkina. [Waves his hand and
goes out into public department.
KHIRIN. [Approaching MERCHUTKINA, angrily] What do you want?
MERCHUTKINA. I'm a weak, defenceless woman. . . . I may look all right, but if
you were to take me to pieces you wouldn't find a single healthy bit in me! I
can hardly stand on my legs, and I've lost my appetite. I drank my coffee to-day
and got no pleasure out of it.
KHIRIN. I ask you, what do you want?
MERCHUTKINA. Tell them, my dear, to give me 15 roubles, and a month later will
do for the rest.
KHIRIN. But haven't you been told perfectly plainly that this is a bank!
MERCHUTKINA. Yes, yes. . . . And if you like I can show you the doctor's
certificate.
KHIRIN. Have you got a head on your shoulders, or what?
MERCHUTKINA. My dear, I'm asking for what's mine by law. I don't want what isn't
mine.
KHIRIN. I ask you, madam, have you got a head on your shoulders, or what? Well,
devil take me, I haven't any time to talk to you! I'm busy. . . . [Points to the
door] That way, please!
MERCHUTKINA. [Surprised] And where's the money?
KHIRIN. You haven't a head, but this [Taps the table and then points to his
forehead.]
MERCHUTKINA. [Offended] What? Well, never mind, never mind. . . . You can do
that to your own wife, but I'm the wife of a civil servant. . . . You can't do
that to me!
KHIRIN. [Losing his temper] Get out of this!
MERCHUTKINA. No, no, no . . . none of that!
KHIRIN. If you don't get out this second, I'll call for the hall-porter! Get
out! [Stamping.]
MERCHUTKINA. Never mind, never mind! I'm not afraid! I've seen the like of you
before! Miser!
KHIRIN. I don't think I've ever seen a more awful woman in my life. . . . Ouf!
It's given me a headache. . . . [Breathing heavily] I tell you once more . . .
do you hear me? If you don't get out of this, you old devil, I'll grind you into
powder! I've got such a character that I'm perfectly capable of laming you for
life! I can commit a crime!
MERCHUTKINA. I've heard barking dogs before. I'm not afraid. I've seen the like
of you before.
KHIRIN. [In despair] I can't stand it! I'm ill! I can't! [Sits down at his desk]
They've let the Bank get filled with women, and I can't finish my report! I
can't.
MERCHUTKINA. I don't want anybody else's money, but my own, according to law.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Sitting in a government office in felt
boots. . . .
Enter SHIPUCHIN and TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Following her husband] We spent the evening at the
Berezhnitskys. Katya was wearing a sky-blue frock of foulard silk, cut low at
the neck. . . . She looks very well with her hair done over her head, and I did
her hair myself. . . . She was perfectly fascinating. .
SHIPUCHIN. [Who has had enough of it already] Yes, yes . . . fascinating. . . .
They may be here any moment. . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency!
SHIPUCHIN. [Dully] What else? What do you want?
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency! [Points to KHIRIN] This man . . . this man tapped
the table with his finger, and then his head. . . . You told him to look after
my affair, but he insults me and says all sorts of things. I'm a weak,
defenceless woman. . . .
SHIPUCHIN. All right, madam, I'll see to it . . . and take the necessary steps.
. . . Go away now . . . later on! [Aside] My gout's coming on!
KHIRIN. [In a low tone to SHIPUCHIN] Andrey Andreyevitch, send for the hall-porter
and have her turned out neck and crop! What else can we do?
SHIPUCHIN. [Frightened] No, no! She'll kick up a row and we aren't the only
people in the building.
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency.
KHIRIN. [In a tearful voice] But I've got to finish my report! I won't have
time! I won't!
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, when shall I have the money? I want it now.
SHIPUCHIN. [Aside, in dismay] A re-mark-ab-ly beastly woman! [Politely] Madam,
I've already told you, this is a bank, a private, commercial concern.
MERCHUTKINA. Be a father to me, your excellency. . . . If the doctor's
certificate isn't enough, I can get you another from the police. Tell them to
give me the money!
SHIPUCHIN. [Panting] Ouf!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [To MERCHUTKINA] Mother, haven't you already been told that
you're disturbing them? What right have you?
MERCHUTKINA. Mother, beautiful one, nobody will help me. All I do is to eat and
drink, and just now I didn't enjoy my coffee at all.
SHIPUCHIN. [Exhausted] How much do you want?
MERCHUTKINA. 24 roubles 36 copecks.
SHIPUCHIN. All right! [Takes a 25-rouble note out of his pocket-book and gives
it to her] Here are 25 roubles. Take it and. . . go!
KHIRIN coughs angrily.
MERCHUTKINA. I thank you very humbly, your excellency. [Hides the money.]
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Sits by her husband] It's time I went home. . . . [Looks at
watch] But I haven't done yet. . . . I'll finish in one minute and go away. . .
. What a time we had! Yes, what a time! We went to spend the evening at the
Berezhnitskys. . . . It was all right, quite fun, but nothing in particular. . .
. Katya's devoted Grendilevsky was there, of course. . . . Well, I talked to
Katya, cried, and induced her to talk to Grendilevsky and refuse him. Well, I
thought, everything's, settled the best possible way; I've quieted mamma down,
saved Katya, and can be quiet myself. . . . What do you think? Katya and I were
going along the avenue, just before supper, and suddenly . . . [Excitedly] And
suddenly we heard a shot. . . . No, I can't talk about it calmly! [Waves her
handkerchief] No, I can't!
SHIPUCHIN. [Sighs] Ouf!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Weeps] We ran to the summer-house, and there . . . there
poor Grendilevsky was lying . . . with a pistol in his hand. . . .
SHIPUCHIN. No, I can't stand this! I can't stand it! [To MERCHUTKINA] What else
do you want?
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, can't my husband go back to his job?
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Weeping] He'd shot himself right in the heart . . . here. .
. . And the poor man had fallen down senseless. . . . And he was awfully
frightened, as he lay there . . . and asked for a doctor. A doctor came soon . .
. and saved the unhappy man. . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, can't my husband go back to his job?
SHIPUCHIN. No, I can't stand this! [Weeps] I can't stand it! [Stretches out both
his hands in despair to KHIRIN] Drive her away! Drive her away, I implore you!
KHIRIN. [Goes up to TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA] Get out of this!
SHIPUCHIN. Not her, but this one . . . this awful woman. . . . [Points] That
one!
KHIRIN. [Not understanding, to TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA] Get out of this! [Stamps] Get
out!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. What? What are you doing? Have you taken leave of your
senses?
SHIPUCHIN. It's awful? I'm a miserable man! Drive her out! Out with her!
KHIRIN. [To TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA] Out of it! I'll cripple you! I'll knock you out
of shape! I'll break the law!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Running from him; he chases her] How dare you! You impudent
fellow! [Shouts] Andrey! Help! Andrey! [Screams.]
SHIPUCHIN. [Chasing them] Stop! I implore you! Not such a noise? Have pity on
me!
KHIRIN. [Chasing MERCHUTKINA] Out of this! Catch her! Hit her! Cut her into
pieces!
SHIPUCHIN. [Shouts] Stop! I ask you! I implore you!
MERCHUTKINA. Little fathers . . little fathers! [Screams] Little fathers! . . .
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Shouts] Help! Help! . . . Oh, oh . . . I'm sick, I'm sick!
[Jumps on to a chair, then falls on to the sofa and groans as if in a faint.]
KHIRIN. [Chasing MERCHUTKINA] Hit her! Beat her! Cut her to pieces!
MERCHUTKINA. Oh, oh . . . little fathers, it's all dark before me! Ah! [Falls
senseless into SHIPUCHIN'S arms. There is a knock at the door; a VOICE announces
THE DEPUTATION] The deputation . . . reputation . . . occupation . . .
KHIRIN. [Stamps] Get out of it, devil take me! [Turns up his sleeves] Give her
to me: I may break the law!
A deputation of five men enters; they all wear frockcoats. One carries the
velvet-covered address, another, the loving-cup. Employees look in at the door,
from the public department. TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA on the sofa, and MERCHUTKINA in
SHIPUCHIN'S arms are both groaning.
ONE OF THE DEPUTATION. [Reads aloud] "Deeply respected and dear Andrey
Andreyevitch! Throwing a retrospective glance at the past history of our
financial administration, and reviewing in our minds its gradual development, we
receive an extremely satisfactory impression. It is true that in the first
period of its existence, the inconsiderable amount of its capital, and the
absence of serious operations of any description, and also the indefinite aims
of this bank, made us attach an extreme importance to the question raised by
Hamlet, 'To be or not to be,' and at one time there were even voices to be heard
demanding our liquidation. But at that moment you become the head of our
concern. Your knowledge, energies, and your native tact were the causes of
extraordinary success and widespread extension. The reputation of the bank . . .
[Coughs] reputation of the bank . . .
MERCHUTKINA. [Groans] Oh! Oh!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Groans] Water! Water!
THE MEMBER OF THE DEPUTATION. [Continues] The reputation [Coughs] . . . the
reputation of the bank has been raised by you to such a height that we are now
the rivals of the best foreign concerns.
SHIPUCHIN. Deputation . . . reputation . . . occupation. . . . . Two friends
that had a walk at night, held converse by the pale moonlight. . . . Oh tell me
not, that youth is vain, that jealousy has turned my brain.
THE MEMBER OF THE DEPUTATION. [Continues in confusion] Then, throwing an
objective glance at the present condition of things, we, deeply respected and
dear Andrey Andreyevitch . . . [Lowering his voice] In that case, we'll do it
later on. . . . Yes, later on. . . ." [DEPUTATION goes out in confusion.]
