Main Stage UAF, original adaptaion 1991
ACT 2: Hotel "Golden Mud"
Scene I: American Hunger in Russia
(Jo and Mister K, two beds, chairs)
K: Listen...
JO: What?
K: Go there.
JO: Where?
K: Down there, to the cafeteria. Tell them! Tell them to give
me something to eat.
JO: What's the point? They said, no way. Period.
K: How dare they to refuse? I'm on credit!
JO: Exactly! That's why they want to call the police. "You
with your American, they say, are the thieves, and your American
is fake one. He will sit together with you, they said, in our
jail very very soon."
K: They won't give me anything on credit and talk about a
market economy! No transfer money by phone, no credit cards, no
tickets, no planes, no trains, no phones! No nothing! And a
poor American student must go on hungry in studying their rich
Russian language! Communists! I have to eat something! Man
must eat every day, money is another matter! Later, I said. My
father will send me money from Fairbanks. May be he did send it
already and I might receive them at any moment.
JO: "Later" I or you can die. Or both, or all of us. They
could start building communism again or nuke your America.
"Later" is time, not money. Later! You don't know Russia...
K: I love Russia, and you hate all Russian! You hate even your
Russian name!
JO: Because I know them. That's why I don't want to know them.
(Exits)
K: Food! They must! I'll go to the mayor! To the police!..
JO (returns): There are some people outside asking about you. Mayor and other officials...
K: About me? No, they have no right! I am an American! I
will not go to jail! Tell them...
JO: No, thank you much, buddy. I am out of sight. Sorry and
goodbye. (Exits)
K (after JO): Jo! George! Joseph!
(Door moves. Beds move. K runs around, packing)
Scene 2: Two Wrongs
(K runs into MAYOR and DOB who enter, long pause)
MAYOR: How do you do, mister American?
K: Hello.
MAYOR: Excuse me... It is my duty, as chief official of the town,
to see to it that travelers suffer no inconveniences...
K (at first stammering a bit, but speaking loudly toward the end of the speech): It's not my fault. I'll... honest, I'll pay... They'll send money from home. (BOB peeks in from behind the door) Blame your Aeroflot, your rail road and bank system, your
telecommunications, your government, not me! Why me? This is
outrageous!
MAYOR (frightened): I'm very sorry. If you don't like here, may I suggest you accompany me to other lodgings...
K: What?! How dare you? By what right? I know what you mean!
You cannot throw an American citizen in your jail! I'll write to
Moscow, to Washington! I, I, I... Even if you came with your
whole police department, I won't budge! I'll talk to the
president! To all the presidents!
MAYOR: Sir, forgive me, I have a wife, little children...
K: What? Just because you have a wife and children, I must go
to jail? Great!
MAYOR: My inexperience, sir, merely inexperience. Everything is
just falling apart. The country, our moral principles and
infrastructure. Plus the insufficiency of my income - my salary
isn't enough for instant coffee and baby food. Desperation and
confusion, confusion and desperation! Don't ruin our dreams!
The economy needs your investment, people are working unemployed.
Communists could come back any minute. Today I'm a mayor,
tomorrow a party chief again! Just think what it does to my
brains!
K: Why are you telling me about all that stuff? Your income is
a very different matter, but you can't imprison me. No, you're
not big enough for that! And I'll pay, only I don't have any
cash on me now.
DOB (to Mayor): Oh, what a smoke screen! Millionaire - and has no money? He is testing us!
MAYOR: Money? Did you say - money? If you're in need of money or
anything else, sir, I'm at your service. It is my civil and
humanitarian duty to assist visitors to the town.
K: Really? You mean it? All right! Give, give me some money!
(Taking the money, counting) Oh! Much, much obliged! I'll send
dollars to you the minute I get home.
DOB (to Mayor): Praise the Lord! He took the dough. Now we are sailing!
K: Jo! (Jo enters) Settle with the hotel. (JO takes money,
exits) That's Russia! Now I see that you are true Russian
souls.
DOB (to MAYOR): You must be bolder, sir. He wants to stay undercover.
MAYOR (to DOB): Fine. We can bluff too, as if we don't know who
he really is. (To K) Dob and me - Dob is the businessman,
total democrat and city councilman - since we were in the
neighborhood on an official trip, we made a point of stopping in
to determine whether the guests are being treated properly
according to the Christmas spirit. Some mayors may not concern
themselves with the welfare of humanity, but I, I insist that a
good reception be extended to all races, minorities and animals.
Not only because my position demands it, not because of duty,
sir, but also out of my democratic love for every mortal. But
may I ask, sir, what parts are you from?
K: Alaska. I am on my way home from Moscow.
MAYOR: Alaska? Our next door neighbor! Excellent! I imagine
you're traveling for your own pleasure, sir?
K: No, I am a graduate student. But my dad sent for me. The
old man is upset because I haven't gotten anywhere with my
studies in Russia. Well, I'd like to see him scrambling in
Russian universities for a while.
DOB (to MAYOR): Just listen! A student! He's tough! He's even dragged in his old father!
K: My dad is stupid and stubborn as a log. I tell him straight
to his face: I must travel! Go from one university to another!
I want to see the world! To have my Ph.D. in everything. Why on
earth should I waste my life in Alaska?
MAYOR: Very, very true, sir. What can be accomplished in the
wilds? Our town, for instance; you spend sleepless nights doing
your best for the nation, sacrificing everything, and as for
reward - complains and insults. This room seems a bit damp?
K: Absolutely! And the management has turned off the light. I
need to read, or to write my notes, and I cannot!
MAYOR: May I suggest, sir... Not being presumptuous, sir... I
have an excellent room at home, but no, I fear the honor is too
great. Don't' get angry, sir, believe me, in the simplicity of
my heart I offered it.
K: On the contrary, by all means. I would much rather be in a
Russian family than in this joint.
MAYOR: Oh how happy I am now! And my wife will be ecstatic! It
has always been my way from my earliest childhood to put the
Russian tradition of hospitality before everything, especially if
my guest is a man of American culture, a professor! I'm not
saying this to flatter you, no, I'm free from that vice, sir.
Perhaps, you would like to see how things are running in our
city... the management... (BOB pops his head in at the door)
Our hospital, for example. Or we might proceed to the school and
observe our methods of instruction in the sciences and foreign
languages. Then you might wish to visit the city prison and the
police station...
K: Police? The jail? I'd rather look at the hospital.
MAYOR: As you prefer, sir. (To DOB) We shall see how things will
go after lunch and a couple bottles of vodka.
DOB runs to the door and hits BOB, who has been listening
outside. All exclaim. BOB picks himself up)
It's really nothing, sir. After you, sir.
(Shows K. out and follows him, scolds BOB)
Just like you, constitutional anarchists! Couldn't you find
a proper place to flop?
(Goes out, BOB after him. The furniture moves in)
Long scene!
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