diary.vtheatre.net [ru/en] vtheatre.net diary.vtheatre.net + Film-North Album (new) amazon.com: filmplus.org + vtheatre.net View Sign I plan to put my hand written diaries online. When? 2000 Doesn't look like this eDiary is about to work... Read good books! I keep my handwritten diary and do not know the logic why and when I use the electronic one. Summary Diary Anatoly-Film & Anatoly-Theatre + Anatoly XXI Notes Russian Diaries -- 2005/6 antohins.vtheatre.net/diary ...

Diary

1.1.2001. Oh, am I glad that this Y2K is over!?

I like changes, but losing my family was too much even for a revolutionary like me.

Xmas (I feel that I can't write it "Christmas" any longer) almost killed me.

Well, I didn't kill myself and I didn't die (it went in two stages).

I have to rebuld my life, I have reorganize it.

Life made its own "New Year Resolutions" for me.

I have to understand what I have and what I have no longer.

Thanks to my webbing, I have my cyber home at least. Something. And I have to do it from here.

I better watch myself. There is nobody else around to keep an eye on me.

And I need a new "system" (difficult for a conservative like me).

Here is GuestBook "US 2001" (made it for my travels with my son, but I am not ready to travel, I have to get in some shape first).

4.20. No matter what I do, I can't get over my family situation. I write, I do the mindless web jobs... That much for my free will! Where is this Russian fatalism, Mr. Nietzsche? I need it now. I need to be senseless.

Changes? Why don't you welcome them anymore? Why don't you write again that it's good to be lost?

What is ahead?

5.24. I wonder (for long time), where people get the time for vocations, movies, parties? I do nothing but work. Even reading I see as a pleasure I can't affort. I don't have a TV, but I still have no time to paint. I do not go out, I do not family with me -- where is my time? Between web and writing -- day after day. I am waiting for a break anymore, I just do it. I do not think will it pay back or not, the work is something I still trust. Do I waste my time? Sleeping, maybe. There is nothing left to waste.
Yes, I do think that it will pay one day. When? I don't know. I don't know how. My self-resurrection theory is the after-thought. I have to remind myself that I welcome things I do not understand. Welcome troubles and changes -- the challenge... Nevertheless, sometimes I want the rest.

Something silly. "Be strong" -- I hear. Well, time for everything; one has to be weak, one has to know fear in order to have courage.

June 12. Horror and Beauty. The dialectics say that we one to know another. Beauty is that horror of the agliness, the shock and the remedy. More beauty, the bigger the distance, more horrific the agly. The idea of paradise is meaningless without hell. Beauty makes us to see the absence of it, in that sense creates the agliness. Most of it in us, our minds and hearts -- the bottomless ocean of trash -- the feelings are the mot painful to see. The desires and dreams. How agly are hopes! No telepathy, thanks -- to invision this dump for a second is painful enough. Like watching the crippled and deformed bodies -- the monsters I paint now.

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Next: 2002

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