Theory of Spectatorship aDiary + Film-North Album (new)
SummaryI hope you understand what is going on. I made title, part I, II, III, preface, intro, notes and ps pages -- to control the texts! To have a frame! Yes, and guide and story... I struggle.
NotesOh, it's simple4 -- just keep writing and you will finish the book, Anatoly! Trust me. Your Lucifer. Love
A few more words about Lucifer.
I spend most of my day at the computer, writing -- and of course I am getting a lot of email messages.
This project was for myself at first and I was the only reader of my texts, but I began noticing changes made not by me. And this is the story.
I left the company of the Trinity, when I exited SELF book. Or better say, they left -- The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost. They wanted me to experience the world of angels in order to understand the new reality we are living in. Oh, there are many of them out there and I needed help to guide me through their universe. I am sure that he was there before, but he was waiting for the Godhead to finish the dialogue with me. I told you already that they never come in a group, it's always one only -- and every time I had to discover his identity. They don't introduce themselves, you know.So, I saw him standing and looking at me.
"Do you want it?"
For a moment I thought that he was gay.
"They said that you want to see it," he said. "To see what you do not see."
"Yes," I said, "I want to see it."
"Are you sure?" I saw this small smile on his lips. "You won't like it."
"Yes, I want to see it all," I said. "I want to know. I want to see what didn't take place and what is ahead...."
"No, the future is not my department," he smiled at me again, as if he was wasting his time on me. "I can show you only the things that are here. How about if I give you a preview and if you won't like it, I will go back and tell them that you are not ready. Do you want it?"
He came very close and put his hands on my head.
"If you would feel that you can't take any longer, you say -- please, no more -- and I will stop it, the visions."
I felt my blood pulsing under his firm fingers.
"They think that you can do it," he said. "Can you?"
I put both my hands on my face, I knew it was for real.
"I want it," I said. "I am sure."
And I saw it........ I saw her body and another body above her and inside her and I knew that it is not my body....
"Please, no more!" I cried.
And the vision was gone.
"Give me a second," I said. "I need a minute...."
"Take your time," he said. "There is plenty of time here."
"I am sorry," I said.
"It's okay. You just tell me when you are ready."
"I am ready," I said.
"Do you want to see it all? Do you want to be there?"
"Yes," I said and he put his hands on me again.
"You can be very close, but you can't touch anything and you have to be silent. Understand?"
"I understand," I closed my eyes. "I won't."....
"Did you see it? What did you see?"
"Her and the man."
"Tell me what you saw." He paused. "You know the rules. You have tell. You have to write about it."
"I am sorry, " I felt that tears were in my eyes. "I am blank. My mind is not here."
"What did you see? You have to talk about it."
"I can't," the tears went down on my face. "I am sorry. I thought I could do it. Sorry."
And I went down on my knees. -- and he kneeled too next to me.
"She had his penis in her mouth," I said.
"You remember," he said softly. "It's up to you. You do not have to see it."
"No, no, don't give up on me! I will do it. I know I can...."
"Do you know who I am?" He looked into my eyes. "Good. I am not like them, I am different. I do not know what you feel. I am here to learn. You will teach me. That is my task. We both have to go through it."
"You never had it?" I looked at him.
"No, I only watched it. I saw it all, but I do not know how it feels."
"But I feel your hands on my head, it's real...."
"No, it's your hands. I am not ready too. I am not ready to live. You have to help me. They said you can. They said, go and stay with Anatoly, you both will gain. So I came here."
"But you understand how I feel?"
"I understand, but I do not feel it," he said."You understand the speed of light, but you do not know how it feels to move that fast."
"Is this how you do it? How you can see everything?"
You see, I too had so many things about him wrong. We were told that angels have no gender, but with him it was different, you know the popular folk-stories. I had to ask him about it, about his penis.
"Do you want to see it?" He made a step to me. "You can touch it."
You have to be careful with him. Lucifer doesn't waste time on small talk and you have to be ready for a coversation with him, you have to stay focused, you have to know what you are saying.
"Is it big?"
"Sometimes. You know it, it all depends. Especially in my case," he was straignt with me, that was the deal, that we will have only straight talks. "But I don't feel anything. They do, but I don't. That is why I need you, Anatoly, to help me to feel. I read the other book, when you write about yourself. Now you have tell me how to have it -- the fear, the pain, the pleasure."
"But they say that demons do know it, the fear of God...."
"It's different. It's mental. It's a thought."
"How can I teach you? I don't know how I can do it?"
"You have to believe that is possible. You believe in God, don't you? If explain it me, I will learn. You learned many things, which are not easy for you to experience, right? It wasn't easy, I know, but I will try my best. You have to learn how be in my place, you have leave your feelings behind...."
"I understand," I said. "I am not ready yet."
"We will do it together, the learning. You know that you have to see it, right?"
I knew that he was right. I have to see it -- her and him, doing what she and I did.
[ to be continued ]
* 2008 -- ...
texts: ... semio
in focus: Tarkovsky, film as philosophy
reading: Film Art (textbook)
2005-2006 Theatre UAF Season: Four Farces + One Funeral & Godot'06
Film-North * Anatoly Antohin
© 2005 by vtheatre.net. Permission to link to this site is granted.